What the FAQ?

I have recently come under some heat from my girlfriend, theMonica, because I haven't written about her on the blog. I think she thinks I'm hiding her existence so all the fawning email from teenage girls keeps pouring in. (Little does she know that that's a whole other thing completely unrelated to the blog.) My argument was that the only person I've written about more than once is Michael Jackson and it's not like I have a thing for him (even though he's totally hot). And I also contend that theMonica is under the false impression that anyone actually reads the blog who doesn't have prior knowledge of her being my girlfriend.

All that aside, in the spirit of giving me lady her propers and keeping the "tone" of the blog consistent (wouldn't I be compromising my "artistic" "integrity" by trying to do her justice and incessantly writing long-winded, gushing, love-fest type posts about her?), here's an FAQ for theMonica and me.

1. YOU have a girlfriend?
Yes . . . Why did you say it like that? I don't appreciate your tone.

2. I'm kind of surprised after having read the blog. Like a real-live girl, not somebody you met on the internet and you've never seen and is most likely a dirty old man?
Yes.

3. Ok. I gotta hear this. What's she like?
Well, bestly, she's a gentle soul. She's kind and caring; she's always looking to lend a helping hand and will even - if I ask nice - make me food! She's witty and sarcastic when she wants to be. She laughs at her own jokes, which I love (especially since I'm no longer able to make her laugh . . . ahhh, the early days when she thought I was pants-wettingly funny). She has long, dark, curly hair that I also love. She's golden tanned and I'm so pasty white that we're basically interracial (she being Lebanese, me being of the bog people). And she's gorgeous.

4. Wait. This is NOT somebody you're making up AND she's wonderful, cool AND she's hot?
Yes, yes, yes and yes.

5. Is there a God?
I think so. Do you think God is forcing her to go out with me?

6. God or Candid Camera. No, Alan Funt is not this powerful! How could God let this happen?
Hey, it has nothing to do with God. It's all me.

7. What? How?
My charm and stuff. Actually, it was probably the constant hounding and huge donation to theMonica Fund. Or maybe it was something else, know what I'm saying?

8. I just threw up a little, in my mouth.
Sorry friend. It's a natural reaction.