Netflix: March of the Penguins (2004)

It sucks to be a penguin.

It is cold in Antarctica - really, really freaking cold. Like water-thrown-in-the-air-freezes-before-it-hits-the-ground cold. It is the coldest place on Earth. It is colder than Pluto and Neptune combined. It is colder than Elizabeth Taylor's heart, which has to be a cold place after all those marriages, right? It's colder than a metal pole on Christmas morn (in a place that's really cold). It's colder than a Cors Light liner can. That shit is cold, yo. I had to have 3 fingers cut off from frostbite after drinking a sixer of it.

Anyway, it sucks to be a penguin. For serious. Not like a Linux penguin - those are usually rather warm because they live inside computers. Or the Pittsburgh Penguins they're getting a cozy, heated new arena in a couple of years. But real, animal penguins - that's a bad deal.

Here is the life story of every penguin: if you get big enough before freezing to death, you walk a crapload and then you freeze to death. I kid you not. Penguins have a saying, "Life's a bitch and then you get weak and everybody leaves your sorry ass to freeze to death." And somewhere in there they mention that they have to walk 70 miles to go hook-up and keep eggs warm and stuff. Why? Probably to take their minds off how fucking cold it is. If I'm walking 70 miles and I'm a penguin, I'm going north. "Thanks bro - nice knowing yah. Try not to freeze or get eaten by a seal." Oh right. If you're penguin god is merciful, you get eaten by a seal or a bird (while you're a baby penguin). Otherwise, it's death by icebox.

Morgan Freeman narrates this documentary about how bad it would suck to be a penguin. There are shots of penguins freezing at all stages of life: egg, baby, youth, adult, protozoa, twinkle in their parents' eye, after they're already frozen to death, etc.

You know how penguins have a party? They huddle around each other so they don't freeze to death. Then maybe somebody does a keg stand, but he freezes in mid-air and there goes all the fun out of that.

To summarize, there are 4 options in penguin life: walk, freeze to death, occasionally swim, get eaten by something.

It sucks to be a penguin.