Wednesday, September 06, 2006

unbreak the hobo heart

You must read this first. I mean, you must read this. (Say the "period," for proper emphasis.) Normally, I'd comment and leave it at that, but there was too much to say. My comments will generally follow the post.

Ok, off to a great start! Linking me like 15 times. You are kind Ky. That being said, I am afraid I will have to delete all my hobo stories because when held up to the light that is the awesomeness of this hobo story, they disappear into the considerable glare.

I think Ky overestimates "chemistry." It occurs more often than one would think and it doesn't have to be in a potentially romantic situation. Ky was very likely experiencing chemistry. It is actually pretty cheap. A chemistry set will run you like 20 bucks these days. I would guess Ky would experience it a lot more if she weren't so painfully shy. I am introverted by natural disposition, so I know what this is like, but generally I go for it with my dumbass estoteric jokes regardless of audience. Isn't it fun to discover a kindred spirit in this way? Besides, strangers aren't so mean so as to laugh at right right in your face. And if they do, they were bad news to begin with and who wants them around? I think chemistry can happen between any two people of either gender. Usually it's all good until one person is feeling a romantic chemistry when the other is not. At any rate, chemistry is, at best, an initial compound in the great equation that is love.

I have a theory about asking women out. Well, not really a theory, more hard anecdotal evidence. Don't surprise them. When I was still in school, I just decided I was too passive with the ladies. I spent a lot of time not dating, mainly because I had this ridiculous PG-13-brat-pack-romantic-comedy-style notion that some girl would see through the eyeglasses and unkempt wardrobe to the inner-beautiful Roger. Not to say this is impossible (or even improbable), but it's not exactly feasible to make friends with scores of girls in the hopes that one of them has x-ray vision and one day she will use said vision to go on a date with me. Plus all the annonying, cliched scenes I'd have to endure in which she is complaining about her boyfriend, where, there I sit, right under her nose, cute as a button. This is the kind of fantasy-land drivel we all pretend to believe, but when we get down to brass tacks, we know it's only true to the extent you force yourself right under her nose by making her decide if she should go on a date with you or not. (That's how I netted, like a beautiful dolphin, theMonica. What do you mean you're not supposed to net dolphins?)

So, I said, "Hey, I am not going to be so worried about rejection. If I see someone I want to get to know, I will ask her out." I didn't so much carry this philosophy over into regular life. College is littered with the kind of random interactions where this strategy plays well, but not so much in the "real world." Actually, it didn't play well in college at all. You see, when you ask a girl out and she is not expecting it, bad things happen. Invariably, unable to recover from the shock or confused by the events, she says yes to your offer, but later on figures out what happened or consults friends who tell her what happened. (theMonica also found my initial invite to a party as too forward. I thought it was charming.) Such is the case with Ky. Who expects a hobo to ask them out? You expect them to ask you for money. Caught in this haze and trying to be nice, Ky inadvertantly agreed to her first ever (I assume) hobo date.

I am sure I have personally broken many a hobo heart over the years, but I have never agreed to a date with one. Is he going to pick Ky up in a shopping cart? Will there be panhandling immediately preceding the date in order to pay for Mexican food? By what factor will Ky increase the monetary take for that night? Will he shower? There are so many questions I would love to explore. Ky, if I ever write a movie, can I include this story? Better yet, can I film this as a documentary?? Please? I am so there.

Oh, this is so funny. I mean, it's not, but think of all the extra, heart-healthy, exercise Ky will now be getting in order to avoid the hobo AND how easily she'll be motivated to do it. I kid Ky. She is in a tough spot. If she's unable to avoid the hobo, she can tell him her boyfriend thought it would be a bad idea, even though she and the hobo we're going out "just as friends." Oh, and then you could get Oil Change Guy to pose as your boyfriend to intimidate hobo guy and then Ky and OC guy fall in love. Now THAT would make a great movie.


Blogger Ky said...

That seriously would make the best movie ever. I even thought about it. Considered calling him and everything. But instead, I just moved back home to Saskatchewan. I never have to see hobo man again.
ps. I totally give you permission to put it in a movie.

3:53 PM

Blogger Ria said...

Other possible Hobo Date options: drinking liquor from a paper bag on a stoop in the alley behind the restaurant, rather than glasses of wine at a table within said restaurant; taking a stroll and listining to another hobo playing the sax; sharing his twin bed at the homeless shelter (or his sleeping bag in the park?)

7:52 PM

Anonymous Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

ESPECIALLY if it turned out that the Oil Change Guy really owned all of the Jiffy Lubes everywhere and Ky was butt rich and ended up paying the hobo's way through college and he could run the Jiffy Lube while Ky and Oil Change guy were off fulfilling their lifelong dreams of feeding all of the Romanian orphans.

Seriously - I wouldn't watch that movie, but I bet if they cast Keanu Reeves as Oil Change Guy and Ashely Judd as Ky it would be a blockbuster. Steve Buscemi could be the hobo. Or maybe Matt Damon.

8:46 AM

Blogger May-B said...

Sarah, you seriously described Ky's perfect hobo man. She LOVES Steve Buscemi.

11:41 AM

Blogger Teacher Lady said...

Ky would not be Ashely Judd; she is more of a Joan Cusack. The oil change guy would have to played by an obscure British actor from an obscure (to North America) British show where he plays a gay lumberjack priest.

12:44 PM

Blogger Ky said...

Yeah, actually, I occasionally find Steve Buscemi attractive (I am horribly ashamed to admit), so I really don't know how well that would work.

12:53 PM

Blogger roger said...

This movie would gross at least (5 * $8) = 40 dollars US. Keep working.

1:01 PM


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