no man is an island nor a perfectly self-contained pretzel consumer

I chew with my mouth closed. I swear. I make a point of it. So why did I just brush 3 pounds of pretzel crumbs off my shirt (in full-view of a passerby, I might - well I will - add)? Because the crumbs of a hard pretzel are uncontainable. It's a law of nature. When you bite into a pretzel your mouth must be open (when the pretzel's total size is too large for a single-bite encounter), this opening must leaves wayward pretzel crumbs to leap forth from your mouth, scattering about your clothes and loved ones. This is a problem which has always vexed me.

The only way I can come up with to contain pretzel crumbs is some kind of mouth flowbee to vacuum the crumbs into your pretzel hole as you bite. You could install a small engine in your brain that runs on brain power. Results and ampage may vary. That's probably the simplest solution out there.