lazy man's guide to Halloween costumes

(Not to be a hyper-masculist or anything, but I am a guy. Most of these costumes will work for lazy ladies of the fair gender.)

If you're lazy like me (and I know you are), you loathe Halloween. Sure it's fun and you're almost guaranteed to score some free booze somewhere along the line, but it takes work. And how often do you think of a sweet costume, like the JFK assassination, and then realize you don't have the time, resources, number of friends and most importantly AMBITION to pull off such a feat?

Well, I am here to help. Here goes:

1. Your evil twin. Shave in or paint on a black goattee, dress normally and say all the evil, evil, funny things that you normally reserve for the dark recesses of your mind. When someone asks what you are dressed as say, "What's it to you fatass?" Or, "I'm dressed as you, a stupid idiot, with a goatee." If you are already evil, you'll get no points for creativity. Try doing the reverse and be nice to people for a change. Jerk.


2. Euclid. Get a toga-type outfit going and when you tell everybody who you're supposed to be add, "Oh, yah, I look exactly like Euclid. You didn't know that?" You might carry around a protractor as well. This will work pretty well for most ancient Greek/Roman historical figures. If someone claims to know that your historical figure doesn't actually look like you, ask if he's dressed as a history dweeb.


3. Keg. Only applies if you have the proper girth. Dress in all gray, try to affix a tap to your head . . . also, if you can vomit beer on command, it would really tie the whole costume together. Basically, this costume gets better as the night goes on. Skinnier folk can be pony kegs, party balls, forties, etc.


4. Crazy Spoon Hands Man. Now gimme some candy!


5. Emotions/states of being. I think it would be fun to go as an emotion. Rumor has it that Charlton Heston always went to Halloween parties as "righteous indignation" because he had it down pat from his movies. Someone asks, "What are you?" "How dare you subject me to this insidious line of questioning. I am outraged! I have never been so insulted!" Or if Co-dependency: "I love you. Don't leave me Batman!" Or if Unctuousness: "Doesn't really matter what I am when the manatee are dying?"


6. A Blog. Just talk about yourself all night and bore everyone to tears. . . not that I am capable of that.


7. Me. And I know you only have like one picture for direction. That's the fun.


8. Local TV Reporter. "What killer Halloween 'trick' should you be on the watch for this year? You might die if you don't hear our report. Story on Friday!" You could walk in, go to the fridge, "Tonight at 9:42, I will drink this beer." All you need is very stiff hair, a suit and a microphone.


9. Father Thyme. Green, fuzzy outfit. (I don't know - like a St. Patrick's Day sweater that pills or something.) And then, when the inevitable happens, "Oh Father T-I-M-E." Works best when you don't know a lot of the attendees.


10. A Ghost. In deference to the lazy man forefathers.

I hope this helps. And remember not to mix candy corn and booze. It can get ugly - fast.