Saturday, May 21, 2005

Open Memo Department

TO: The Cleveland Indians
RE: The 2005 Season

Dear Tribe,

We have been together for as long as I can remember. There’ve been good times and bad times, dizzying highs and oppressive lows. But my love has always been unconditional.

In 2002, when you told me that you had to “find yourself” and get rid of all your quality veteran players, I was hurt, but I understood the need. You turned your back on me in an attempt to make yourself young and beautiful again. You suggested that by now, 2005, you’d be ready to fully commit to me again and perhaps contend for the playoffs.

Well Tribe, it’s May 20th and you’re 17-22. You’re 11.5 games behind the White Sox, 5.5 games behind the Twins . . . Tribe, it hurts me to say this, but you’re even behind the Tigers. The Tigers, Tribe. You know, they’re from Eminem’s hometown? You used to be able to beat-up on them mercilessly? Yah, well now you’re looking up at them. Thankfully the lowly Royals are in your division, keeping you from being in last place. Your last, LAST in the majors with your anemic and pathetic .238 batting average. .238 Tribe? For serious? A blind nun could hit .240.

Maybe we need some time apart. I’ve got some things I need to sort out and you obviously have problems. You’ve got that thing with Aaron Boone. Really, what’s his deal? Wow, you actually have 3 regulars batting UNDER .200. Like I said the king of the wild frontier (.163 - oh c'mon, what's the difference between Daniel Boone and Davy Crockett?), KC Blake (.192) and Victor Martinez??? Yes Victor is batting .198. It seems like even when you have something good you have to go and ruin it.

I will admit that your pitching has been good. I’ll give you that, but when you’re batting .238 – it doesn’t matter. It’s time to take a step back and assess where we are in our relationship. I hope our time apart will help both of us.

Shhhhhh. Don’t say a word. Just go . . . . Lock the door on your way out.


p.s. I would have made it funnier, but this is no laughing matter.
p.p.s. theMonica: Sorry, this will not result in me watching few games.


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