Friday, July 21, 2006

work is to anti-matter as blogging is to matter

And as my grandmother was fond of saying, "It's not a laughing matter, but it doesn't anti-matter if you laugh." Well, that without the anti- part.

Let me drop some knowledge on you (I hate myself for using that phrase, and thus the dropping begins):

  • Friday is omelet bar and omelet buddy is not here yet. I can't go solo to omelet bar. Always bring a buddy. Sometimes you have to wait 15 minutes for your omelet (buddies are handy for chatting) and there's always the risk of cramping. That's why you should have a buddy (perhaps one who climbs a tree) with you at all times - because of the cramping.

  • Two tips for you future hoboes out there: hoboing is just like picking-up chicks - and not even necessarily hot chicks. You don't have to have a "line" per se, but it helps to have your game in order somewhat. For instance, ask the time. Ok, good tactic. "Excuse me sir, what time is it?" "Ten till 6." "Ten ‘oh Five?" (What??) "No, ten till six." "Five oh' six?" By then I was 15 yards away, reverse-bionic-woman-hobo-that's-a-guy, get your shit in order! So, right, it's difficult to keep a conversation going with a hot chick (in this case, me) by continuing to pretend that you can't hear what the time is. Additionally, sitting on the ground, around the corner from some form of visually obstructing structure (building, wall, mailbox, etc.) waiting for your "mark" to be directly across from you and loudly saying, "EXCUSE ME CAN I HAVE SOME CHANGE?" will probably garner you neither change nor chicks. You are a hobo; there is a 65% chance your insane; do not scare the change-givers. Besides, the unexpected yelling caused me to leap in excess of 6 feet from your change cup. I guess I'll catch you next time.

  • I will sometimes throw trash away in the community garbage can, rather than my cube's can, so whoever empties my garbage doesn't think I'm a total fat ass.

  • I have a temporary boss right now, in charge of me for the past couple of months, until the end of this one. TB makes me work, a lot. Overtime. That might seem cool, but I'm not a big fan of the overtime, actually, kind of hate it. If there's one thing this blog is a clear indication of, that's my complete lack of "go-gettiveness" and complete presence of "word-making-upednessty." At any rate, aside from making me work far too much, TB also tries to use fancy words. For instance, TB told me that we couldn't get "lacksa-daisy-uhl" on our project because it is so "high profile." Yah, that was exactly how TB said it. Odd. I know TB wasn't joking because whenever that happens TB will awkwardly laugh right after the joke. Invariably, this catches me off-guard. The comment was so wide of a joke that I had no idea that it was even an attempt. At this point the courtesy laugh would be WAY late and would totally look like a pity laugh. Hmmm, but TB did just say, "lacksa-daisy-uhl." TB would probably take the pity laugh as authentic.

    Another one TB busted on me was "frew-tay-shun" for fruition, which, in spirit, I suppose is correct. "frew-tay-shun" does evoke images of flowering trees and accomplishment, right? At that point, TB had lost me, focus-wise. "frew-tay-shun" . . . huh? For serious? YOU are giving me work? Not that I'm some master wordsmith. I don't use big words. I don't use foreign words. I don't say Champs Élysées. Even though I've heard the Bartleby lady say it like a million times. You've got to know your onions AND your limitations people!

  • TB's persistent whip-crackin' has left me with little time for blogging. Not that I blog at work a whole lot, but if I have a little downtime, I can often formulate a couple of posts here-and-there and maybe finish one off by the end of the day. Lately I've been to busy to make this happen. That's really unacceptable. How do I explain to TB that I have tens of readers that want, nay, NEED to hear from me on a consistent basis? Does TB not understand the signifigance of my absence? How could TB be so obtuse? Month in the hole for TB!

So endeth your lesson for today, Friday, July 21st. Tell all your friends about the things you've learned.


Blogger NewYorkMoments said...

I need clarification on a you cramp up before or after eating omlettes from the omlette bar?

I always make sure to throw away really smelly garbage in the community can. Like the garbage from the chicken tikka masala that I had for lunch yesterday.

10:26 AM

Blogger djn said...

I love the word obtuse. I'm glad you used it.

10:03 AM

Blogger Nukie said...

Forget about trying to explain to TB the blogger thing. I have a better idea. Steal a bunch of his Business Cards and give them away to all the Hobo's you see. Tell them to call you up and you'll "Set them up for life"

6:05 PM

Blogger Ky said...

a. I totally do the communal garbage to hide fat-assedness, too.

b. For a few moments, I thought TB was tuberculosis.

7:12 PM

Blogger High Desert Diva said...

Hey, did you ever get your scrambled breakfast sandwich dilemma figured out?

It seems like eggs are a great source of stress for you Roger.

3:44 AM

Blogger roger said...

NYM: That's not fair. I worked with a guy that had the smelliest microwaving events. It was like, "How is he going to EAT that?"

DJN: I have to credit Shawshank for that usage.

Nukie: Only the crazy ones though.

Ky: I worked with a guy (different guy), that smoked like 4 packs a day and was forever hacking up a lung. His nickname was TB Ted. Ted was his name; TB was the nickname part.

HDD: I'm sorry to admit that I gave up on that. I just take it over fried sunny medium hard or however they happen to be cooking it that day. Thanks for visiting! I read you would be visiting your "favorite blogs." I'm assuming this was your first stop . . . right? RIGHT?!

1:11 PM


Post a Comment

<< Home