wintrino

Today marks the opening of the 20th Winter Olympics in Torino, Italy. I think the Olympics are pretty darn cool. Not as cool as I thought they were when I was like 12, but back then we didn’t have cable and I watched stuff like the Olympics religiously. I mean, a non-soap opera on at 3:30 in the afternoon AND it’s a sporting event? That’s kid gold right there. And yes, it is tough to get TV reception in the cave.

Being such a minor expert, I feel it’s my place to make suggestions to the Olympic committee so that they may improve the Olympics for everyone . . .

• Bode Miller’s recent admission that he was sometimes drunk while competing in skiing events, got me to thinking . . . why not everyone else? Seriously, I used to think it was dangerous enough, hurtling down steep, steep mountain passes at very high speeds, but Bode showed me that you could spice it up a little. A tumbler of Southern Comfort for everyone! And, to reduce the risk of injury, everyone skis in one of those sumo wrestler suits.


• Chuck Taylor All-Star's Speed Skating.


• The winter biathlon is, by design, the most boring thing a human being can endure. Cross country skiing AND target shooting. I SWOON! My initial thought is just to scratch it all together, but . . . how about during the shooting portion you have to gun down a charging bear? That would get the blood pumping . . . and maybe the competitors are drunk too . . . and so is the bear. That Bode Miller is a freaking genius.


• Igloo building. Hey, that's what Eskimos are good at and there aren't nearly enough Eskimos in the Olympics.


• Icy Road Driving challenge. All cars are bald-tired ’76 Cadillac. Those giant-ass rear wheel drive cars. You have to navigate busy streets with pedestrians and everything. You may or may not be drunk - competitors discretion.


• Ice skating could add a technical category for knee bashing. Oh, c'mon, admit it; the only cool thing that's ever happened with ice skating was when Nancy Kerrigan got her knee bashed. You loved it. Sicko.


• Homophobic/Drag Queen Double Luge/Fashion Show.


• A good sport would be the, “Coat off/club walk Challenge.” You know how when you go out in the winter and you don’t want to haul your coat into the club. I mean, firstly the coat gets all smoky and you have to lug it around everywhere or drop it off at coat check, only to later forget it. Besides, do you want to cover up your clubbin’ clothes? He11 no. All right, this is a contest in coat off walking. You wonder aimlessly through an urban setting. Last one to get hypothermia wins!


• Speed skiing is way too much like NASCAR; if nobody crashes, does it make a sound?


• Not to rip the biathlon anymore, but I will. I think the general rule with the Olympics is that the crappier the country which dominates a sport, the crappier the sport is. I mean, honestly, Norway?

These are just a few of the many, many suggestions I could devise given more time and the absence of a job. But, that’s all I’ve got for now.

Have a gold-medal day!