eponymix

I am on a roll today.

• We had this thing at work. Work things are boring and tedious to explain, especially since I work mostly with computers and I'm dull at worker (yes, duller than here). So, in an effort to elucidate, I tend to use bad analogies. Oh wait, here's one: Basically what happened is this woman and I are traveling to the airport. When we get there, I turn to her and say, "Hand me my ticket." And she says, "Ticket? I don't have the tickets! Don't YOU have the tickets." Me, "Why would I have the tickets? I never bring the tickets. Why would you this one time not bring the tickets?" She, "Because that one time like a year ago, I said you should bring the tickets from then on." Me, "Well, yah, but after that we went to the airport and YOU told me you were still in charge of bringing the tickets!" She, "You should have taken notes. Then you would know about who was bringing the tickets." My companion continued to needle me about notetaking and turnover and other shit I never pay attention to. I was all about how if I hadn't "lost" my notes I'd be ok. If I could only reference my notes.
  Later, inexplicably, I found my notes. As it turns out, I had them and I was right. Prompting me to send this email to a couple of co-workers, "[snip work related drivel] . . . At least that’s what my precious notes say, because you know, no one could ever tell you 2 years ago they keep stored procedure source airline tickets in their library purse and then NOT put them there. That would be OUTRAGEOUS. They can't do things that the notes don't specify! Don’t they know I took NOTES??? If the notes are wrong, all is lost. If we can't trust the sacred note text - it's pure chaos! Save me oh-so-inaccurate and thereby meaningless NOTES!!" If you worked with me, you'd get sweet emails like this about taking notes all the time.


• theMonica is off to Santa Monica (in my eyes she is the Saint Monica) to attend some work somesuch and for leisure. The last time I see her before her departure, I tell her not to "get discovered" because then she'll have to leave me and become famous and whatnot. I mean, as we all know, the only reason we're on this earth is to try and become famous. If we have the chance, we just drop everything and everyone and do it. That's the bottom line. After I explain this to her she tells me that I don't have to worry because she doesn't have any talents to discover. Me, with my quick goat thinking, says, "Hot is a talent." That's right. Boyfriend of the Year (so far in 2006), coming atcha!


• The braintrust in charge of the food cabinet have really been racking their brains. I receive an email that says instead of bowing at the altar of food cabinet for the regular consumption sacrifices of cookies, doughnuts, candies and sundry apples that we should instead start a "healthy eating club". Said club would consist of Vegtalosers who pool their money and buy "healthier" snacks such as vegetamables and fruits and whatnot. So, let me get this straight. Either I can wheel my fat ass over to the food cabinet and get some high-in-deliciousness pastry cakes for free OR I can pay money every week for the distinct pleasure of gnawing on celery stalks? You know what I say, "Time to make the doughnuts." Seriously, could they possibly make this any less appealing? How about along with your banana you get a spray of bleach in the eyes and a pay cut? I deleted that email with extreme prejudice.