my face is the ultimate weapon

Thursday night theMonica, her two nephews and I went to Lake County Captains game in Eastlake. Lake County is the single-A affiliate of my beloved Cleveland Indians.

Prior to the game starting, a local radio station had a game of cornhole set-up. I'm all right at the cornhole and, displaying my skills, was able to deposit one of three throws through the board. If you're good at stuff, you get stuff for free. So, I was rewarded with a selection from the CD/DVD part of the prize table. Spider-Man 2 - sorry! Shrek 2 - first one was way better. But what's that I spy? I spy something from the 80s, something with a dynamic leading man and something that I adored as a youngster. No, it wasn't a Captain Kangaroo Retrospective . . . it was MACGYVER SEASON 2!!!



That's right folks. You know what I'll be doing for the next few weeks. What's that? Will I blog about it? Hmmmm, your ideas intrigue me. We'll see . . .

After that shining moment, we headed into the stadium. theMonica has social connections all over northeast Ohio. She got us the tickets for the Captains game. The guy she knows who works for the Captains is like their director of cool shit that you don’t even know about.

Director guy comes to our seats a few innings into the game and asks if we want to be filmed to possibly appear in a Captains’ promotional ad. (Incidentally, Indians’ GM Mark Shapiro was sitting a few rows behind us. I wanted to tell him he’s killing me with Casey Blake, but he was there with his young son and I didn’t want to cause a scene.) The director made the offer and since I’m a big, fat, smoked and honey-glazed ham, I was all for it . . . at first . . .

Four people went to the left-field corner and only one wasn't asked to be on film. Who was that? Folks, I'm here to tell you that it's not easy being ugly. Not to say I was egregiously shutout from TV stardom - they didn't have me stand next to theMonica and then crop me out of the shot unbeknownst to me. Nor did they have me keep backing up until I tumbled, head first over the railing. I'm not sure what the problem was. I mean, sure, maybe I'm not "physically attractive," and I don't "have a pleasing face," and maybe my voice sounds like "cats having sex," and "my head is too big to get in frame." I don't understand how these factors would preclude me from fame and fortune.

It bruised the ego. And the tears flowed my friends, whoah did they flow. I did not protest, but I did murmur to myself, "I'm not an animal!" They even had Monica say the players "weren't bad to look at". Well, they're totally too young, in shape and potentially rich to date honey, so sorry!

Sure theMonica is beautiful and her nephews are cute as buttons, but who speaks for the ugly people, huh? Don’t they enjoy going to Captains'games and other social activities as well? I mean, I sure saw a bunch of them wandering around the stadium. Whatever, not everybody can be TV worthy. I mean, if everyone were on TV, who would be there to watch it? That's right! Nobody! I'm actually doing all you future TV stars a favor . . . YOU'RE WELCOME!