Thursday, June 16, 2005

A How-Not-To Guide

I was out with theMonica and two of her lady friends. We made for quite the handsome group (sun-burned albino male excluded). We were having some snacks and drinks, shooting the breeze on a lovely, albeit swampy, evening when I noticed a guy at the bar . . . staring at me.

I thought: He must be staring at one of the girls, but it does look like he's looking at me . . . it still looks like he’s looking at me. His buddy is definitely checking out the ladies and not me. I feel unloved now. . . oh, he's leaning in to call dibs. Formulate a game plan like the cool guys in the movies. “I’ll take the blonde. You take the cripple.” Ha ha, no cripples in the movies – ever . . . unless you count Miracle Worker, but the whole thing point was being handicapped and such. But good god damn that Helen Keller was smart. Couldn’t see, hear or talk, couldn’t find a decent teacher until she was like 7, but ended up smarter than most people. Talk about triumph of the human spirit. Too bad Anne Bancroft died. She was a good miracle worker, but I wasn’t a huge fan of the Graduate. Dustin Hoffman was too whiny for me and – HOLY SH1T! He’s still staring over here!!

And he KEPT staring. Not only had he undressed everyone, but he was already not calling us back for a second date. It was decidedly creepy. Real creepy. It wasn’t subtle. It wasn’t circling the rim of a glass with your finger or twirling the hair or even the sexy nod. It was a grade school stare down. And he won. Easily.

Now, don’t misunderstand me, I’m no expert in women. Aside from theMonica, my history with women has been one huge embarrassing failure after another and sure these eyes have probably lingered too long on a woman or two but then I stop learing or go over and speak. Egads man! You're sick!

This is just a little fyi to let everyone know that this method of flirting has very little success. It would never work with me. I guess it’s going to be weird when this blog makes me famous – all those prying eyes.

p.s. I should admit that some would have you believe that this is how I picked up theMonica:


Blogger MJ said...

So, he was gay and figured maybe theMonica wasn't with you?

1:10 PM

Blogger roger said...

I think he was a little walleyed and it his stare was off. Or maybe it was a general stare . . . like, hey whichever one of you wants to boogie.

9:57 AM

Blogger Joe said...

Oh, sorry Roger. Didn't realize that was you that I was staring at. I'm so embarassed.

4:58 PM


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