You'd be chuckling if you programmed COBOL.

CBS announces new reality TV show. Contestants wanted.

YOU TOO can embark on the experience of a lifetime. Register now for an opportunity to become a COBOL programmer at a large mainframe shop. Can you survive the challenge? The COmmon Business Oriented Language has been the bane of millions of programmers for over 40 years. Created by a team of Soviet scientists, COBOL was designed to slowly torture America’s intelligentsia. By forcing American programmers to use a tedious, cryptic and overhead-laden tool, the Ruskies hoped to cripple the fledgling American technological infrastructure. But through ingenuity, black horn-rimmed glasses and frightening weight gain, America’s COBOL programmers were successfully able to utilize COBOL as a prevalent programming tool. They grew so proficient with its use that COBOL, though now completely obsolete, is still used at thousands of companies today!

Can you carry on the proud tradition of the COBOL programmer? Will you be able to overcome the constant obstacles a COBOL programmer faces? Can you withstand the Systems Development Coordinator’s striking physical resemblance to Oscar the Grouch or his constant badgering for status reports? Will you be able to decipher the business-speak of the data processing world: “touch bases,” “drive the targets,” “take the controls”? Do you have the dexterity to beat fellow co-workers to the printer in order to conceal your printing 50 copies of the NCAA tournament brackets? Will you be able to sit in a cubicle for three months and avoid the very real dangers of computer programming: carpal tunnel syndrome, walleye vision and programming ass – just to name a few?

We prefer applicants with some manner of personality disorder, preferably one that disdains contact with others. Applicant must demonstrate a desire to talk at machines: computers, printers, fax machines, etc. He or she must also harbor a latent enmity towards the opposite sex, a strong affection for any series of the Star Trek suite, a distaste for graphical user interfaces and a total abhorrence of Microsoft’s products.

Contestants will be challenged daily with the rigors of programming. Can you extract snack cakes from the vending machine that’s really particular about dollar crispness?

Are you ready for the challenge? Do you have the guile to surreptitiously read novels at your desk? Or work on your resume during company time? Can you sleep in your chair but make it look like you’re pondering a confounding programming mystery? If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, you may be the hapless fool we’re looking for