It's a Family Affair

Fetal Simpson Show to begin broadcasting from the uterus.

Immediately following Jessica Simpson’s pregnancy announcement, promotions began running on MTV touting an exclusive reality-tv series called, The Baby Simpson show.

Joe Simpson, father of Jessica and Ashlee, is the creative genius behind “Newlyweds” and “The Ashlee Simpson Show”. He says the new show is an extension of the concept of using his children for his own enrichment. Simpson claims the inspiration came to him over Thanksgiving dinner. “We were sitting there eating turkey - Jessica thought it was monkey or manatee – not much goin’ on up there and Ashlee just had that vacant look on her face. I thought to myself, ‘My daughters are attractive AND stupid. There is SO much money in that.’ I mean, how long was Beverly Hillbillies on the air – like forever.”

Some children’s groups have expressed outrage that Simpson is so eager to thrust his newest descendent into the harsh lights of celebrity. They are concerned that such early and overwhelming exposure could do irreparable psychological harm. But Joe Simpson has little doubt that his littlest cash cow is fully ready for the chaos that will ensue following its show’s broadcast, “Well adjusted unborn babies are ready very early on to endure the pressures of mega-stardom.” Simpson then went on to cite studies showing that babies are able to be exploited by greedy manager/grandfathers as early as the first trimester. He continued, “I think Ashlee and Jessica are so fvcked up because I didn’t force them into reality tv SOONER.”

The move is not without financial implications. It is Joe Simpson’s policy to take a 50% cut on each of his children’s shows. Generally manager/agents take 10 to 15%, but Simpson was adamant that he deserves more. “If I hadn’t manipulated my cherished loved ones into whoring themselves on reality television, where would they be? They’d have regular jobs like most losers. Hell, I might even have to get a job. And really, I don’t want that.”

Jessica and Ashlee can’t understand all the fuss about the baby’s new show. Jessica said, “I’m kind of worried because TV cameras are so big I mean, with the boom mic and everything it has to uncomfortable. But besides that eeeeeeeeeeeee.” At that point a high-pitched screeching noise was emitted from Jessica’s mouth and was indecipherable to this reporter. Ashlee, however, seemed to understand what Jessica was trying to say. “I think Jessica is right. Menudo was one of the best boy bands.”

Nick Lachey had little to say on the matter. “Seeing as how I don’t have any career to speak of, I’m riding the same gravy train that Mr. Simpson is. More power to him, really. I heard he was going to get a reality show going for Grandpa Simpson. I don’t know how well it would do. Grandpa’s been dead for months.” Joe Simpson, beyond scruples, said that disinterring his father’s body in order to dishonor his memory would be quite lucrative for him. “Since my children are alive, I can only take my usual 50%. My father’s dead, so not only will I get my cut, but also whatever would come from being an heir to his estate. I envision a Weekend at Bernie’s premise with Jessica and Ashlee interacting with the rotting corpse. Really, just sit back and watch the hilarity ensue.”

The Baby Simpson show will air on MTV starting in September and over and over again until it’s impossible that you missed a single episode.