J-Looney

In a stunning move, Jennifer Lopez has split from long-time husband Marc Anthony in order to marry her ass. Sighting “irreconcilable differences” between her and Anthony, JLo quickly received an annulment ("I have master copies of all the forms. All I do is mail merge with whoever my current husband is, print, fax and I'm all done") and began a whirlwind courtship with lifelong friend, her ass.

“My ass has always been there for me. Men have come and gone and come and gone again, some even a third or fourth time, but my ass has always backed me up, both by actually being behind me and emotionally.” JLo continued. “It was hard to end my long, enduring, 3 month marriage with Marc, but I did what I felt I had to do. If it’s wrong for me to love and marry my ass then I don’t want to be right.”

JLo supports a new FMA-inspired ammendment, FFMMAA: Finally Free to Marry My Ass Ammendment. Gay marriage rights activists are befuddled. Milo Stevens, director of CYDRCIGFGM – “C’mon, Do You Really Care If Gay Folk Get Married?” wasn’t convinced that JLo had contributed anything to any cause other than the celebrity of her own ass. “Firstly, in these highly technical times, you’d be surprised how hard it is to come up with a good acronym. More importantly, JLo’s amendment is not exactly what we had in mind. Although I suppose it IS a gay marriage in the sense that JLo is female and it follows that her ass is also female, we were ideally hoping for same-sex marriage between two distinct partners, not single partners and bootylicious parts of their anatomy.”

JLo’s ass does not come without its own baggage. A short time ago it ended its stormy 3 year love affair with Sir Mix-a-Lot. Though JLo’s ass has told friends that Mix was the, “only person who really understood me”, his love of other “round things” (possibly even Beyonce’s ass) made their relationship difficult. JLo says, “After Mix and my ass broke-up, my ass and I kind of looked at each other and it was like, ‘I’ve been searching all over for the perfect marriage and there you were all along, right underneath my clothes.’”

This story is not without its victims. Marc Anthony was unavailable for comment, but a source close to the Latin singing sensation said he was “devastated”. “Going into this, Marc knew JLo’s ass was all-powerful and a significant voice in JLo’s decision making. But he had no idea when he taunted her with ‘If you love your ass so much, why don’t you marry it?’ that she would actually do it.” It is also rumored that JLo is no longer on speaking terms with her chest. “It’s just jealous,” JLo says.

Erstwhile fiancée Ben Affleck was nonplussed, “I don’t know what to tell you. That chick is wiggety-wack.” Given further time for reflection he had this to say, “You know, I guess if I could marry my smug sense of self-satisfaction I would. And I’ll tell you another thing. I was pretty much blacked out the entire time we were together. Honestly, Matt told me I spent like 4 million on an engagement ring? The jeweler convinced me there was something called a pink diamond? I guess that’s what I get for mixing my liquor.”

For now, JLo and her ass are concentrating on each other. “For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m with someone I can stand beside from all my days, my own ass.”