first, this news . . .

Well, I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just throw it out there . . . my wife is knocked up. Yes, yes, this is good news, not an “oops” baby or anything (until it stats falling down when it’s trying to walk and stuff, stupid baby). AND, I’m like pretty sure it’s mine, so that’s cool. (OMG j/k!) So, theMonica is bearing the fruit of my looms. I don’t know what this says about you, humanity, but it should scare you a little.

People have been asking me what I’m hoping for and I say a monkey, but an old world, smaller monkey, not one that’s gonna rip your face off after a couple of beers. Talk about an angry drunk! I mean, what kind of a world is it where you can’t have some drinks with your monkey friends without them going apeshit? Not the kind of world I want to live in. But, short of a monkey, I’ll settle for a healthy baby and something that’s bouncy, right? Is that the vernacular? Or can only boys be bouncy? What is it for girls? Galloping? Gathering? Gorging? I don’t think so, but that would explain babies with eating disorders. I guess I just want 10 finger, 10 toes and a 48-inch vertical, but not right away because that would be totally freaky . . . and bouncy.

All right, how’s that for starting your day with me blowing your mind? I mean, I didn’t even need to fill out an application! Dang!