Friday, December 29, 2006

happy new year!

New Year's is this weekend, you know, so here are some helpful tips (probably mostly revolving around drinking), bulleted for your visual pleasure:

  • Eat folks. Get a good base of like a large pizza or McDonald’s extra value meal, super-sized with a large coke, maybe work a Wendy’s frosty in there somewhere. You want to give yourself a good 45 minutes between finishing your meal and arriving at the party/your first drink (these are nearly simultaneous events). You want super-absorbent food in your tummy for when the booze comes sliding down, but you don’t want to eat too late or the bloats come. That’s no fun for anyone.

  • Make out with somebody random. I want like half of you to be reminiscing with your friends a few weeks from now and you say, “Yah, who WAS that guy?” I will be especially proud if you’re saying this as a guy who’s straight.

  • Between you and me, you probably don’t need to bring champagne. Most parties average like 1.5 bottles per attendee. I have an empty bottle with a super-glued cork that I take around from place to place every year. Works like a charm. Then if you really want champagne just stand next to someone who’s opening their bottle. After they take that first swig and have that look on their face like, “Why did I just drink half a bottle of champagne?” you swoop in, “HAPPY NEW YEAR!” and polish off that bad boy.

  • It’s fun to get a little dressed-up for New Year’s, but remember the chafing. And is it just me or have you bought all your “nice” clothes when you were at your current height, but your absolute skinniest? And then every time you wear your nice clothes, all you can think about is what a fat@ss you are? And maybe it occurs to you that, “Wow, I must have been smokin’ hot when this waist band wasn’t cutting off the circulation to my legs. Hey, my toes are purple!” Why does skinny Roger love to buys clothes so much anyway? Fat Roger has had enough. He’s buying a silk moo moo immediately.

  • Right about now I’m really glad I didn’t use a numbered list because 4 items doesn’t really do it for anyone.

  • Crash. Really, passed out sleeping is pretty undesirable, regardless of locale. No need to compound your problems by driving home drunk. A discreet pillow/blanket travel pack comes in handy. And if you wear contacts, bring a contact case already filled with solution. If you really want to make things happen, pass out at like 9:30 and you’re sure to get a bed. Otherwise, don’t sleep in front of the bathroom. If you’re that sick, sleep IN the bathroom, maybe with your face on the seat, depending.

  • Confetti is a friend to no man. You will be picking it out of things weeks from now.

  • Finally, and most importantly, have fun. It should go without saying, but inevitably there’s some kind of conflict with somebody’s schedule or who you’re going to hang out with. Go with the flow, take another swig of champagne and always remember the chafing.

All right, hope this helps. Have a great end of ’06 and a bitchin’ ’07.



Blogger Alan said...

When I moved out of my house in Cleveland Heights a few years ago, I found confetti from NYE 1999 in one corner. Seriously, beware the confetti.

9:48 AM

Blogger NYM said...

Oh my God...passed out with face on the toilet seat. Brings back many memories of my years at the University of Wisconsin. I think it was New Year's Eve there every night.

Happy Friggin' New Year, Roger!

10:04 AM

Anonymous Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I would make out with a random person but 1) I think it would piss off my husband a lot and 2) I couldn't get a babysitter, so my options should be limited.

11:33 AM

Blogger djn said...

Great tips, thanks. I'd like to add that if there's going to be McDonalds/Pizza & chaffing, you might as well go with gray sweatpants with the little drawstrings. Oooo, make sure they're at least 2 inches too short too!

12:02 AM

Blogger Joe said...

Thanks for the tips, Roger. I thought about the whole eating people thing, but it was a little too morbid for such a festive occasion.

1:42 PM

Blogger Ky said...

I am so glad that someone else noticed it, too!

4:59 PM

Blogger Ky said...

By "it," I mean the missing comma.

5:00 PM


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