tingling

Well, it's been nice knowing you all. Unfortunately, my days around here are numbered. For, my fair readers, Columbia Pictures will be shooting some scenes for the movie Spider-Man 3 in downtown Cleveland this week.

What's that? Did our hero, Peter Parker, decide that NYC was a little too hectic for his liking and wanted to enjoy the slower pace and decreased traffic (not to mention safer web-slinging conditions) of my beloved city? Well, not exactly. Apparently there are some "precision driving scenes" that take place in the film and NYC was charging too much to tear up their roads and sidewalks and we're all, "Hey money! Crash as many cars into our buildings as you like, Mr. Director!"

As of this writing, the film crews have moved in, I think. I mean, these people need to go to the bathroom a lot as they’ve set up about 15 port-a-johns across the street from my office. They put up store facades in front of the REAL stores (i.e. abandoned buildings). What? Our rundown building isn’t good enough for your "fancy" Hollywood movie? (In all fairness, the site of the shooting, Euclid Avenue, has seen better days and a lot of the structures are undergoing renovation. I promise that when I earn my first few million, I'll build a mansion on Euclid and help restore it to its former glory.)

Seeing as how Hollywood has come to me and afforded me the opportunity for fame and fortune without all the annoyances of moving out west and developing some discernable skill, I think it's time for me to seize the day and get myself discovered. I figure that if I went over to the set and starting talking to the director, I was sure to be discovered and become a huge TV and movie star. And then I'd get a really stupid show on MTV called Yo Mama where people try to make fun of each other. Wait? That already happened? Ok, then I'll become really famous and develop a nasty substance abuse problem and go into rehab. And then I'll be on Star magazine without my shirt on and the big headline, "Pregnant?" It'll be a blast!

To help my chances, I’ve been dilligently wearing my Spider-Man outfit (including the underoos) - you know, in case Tobey pulls a hammy, I'll be ready to go. I'm confident this is a done deal. All that’s left to decide is what day I should become famous. Monday? Wednesday? Should I just storm into my boss's office and quit right now or should I wait until I get that first fat actor paycheck? I think it’s a lot more dramatic if I go in and do it right now. It can be one of those "experiential acting lessons." Because I’m now an actor and I’ll probably also get a huge severance/gold watch.

Don't worry, I'm totally qualified for my new career. Besides those Hollywood types are always needing work on Excel spreadsheets and stuff, right? I'll be completely indispensable.