Field Trip!

Yesterday I had the distinct pleasure of visiting the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo. Now, the zoo is a great place. There are animals all around, information-packed signs and even a few Germans. But, that’s not to say that the zoo couldn’t make some improvements. Here are my humble suggestions:

1. The zoo stinks to high he11. Seriously, you know when a bunch of guys live together and maybe they have like a Madden football tournament and there are 8 or 10 of them in the living room for 36 hours and then you walk into the room and your eyes get red and you vomit a little, in your mouth, from the stench? Well, the zoo smells like that, but instead of guys it’s lower-order primates that NEVER shower or bath and defecate in their living rooms. What to do? Well, I don’t know if it’s possible (or wise) to Fabreze all the animals daily, but it’s something that should be checked out.
   
   
2. The zoo has these little signs that give you a brief glimpse into each animal. Stuff like: “The tufted deer enjoys long walks on the beach and bathing while listening to some smooth jazz hits,” stuff like that. Sometimes it will say, “The Ostrich has been know to run at up to 30 MPH.” Yah, and I noticed that polar bears run about 30 miles an hour . . . realllllly? You know it! Polar Bear vs. the Ostrich, 1500 Meter Steeplechase. We all know the cheetah is nature’s fastest animal, but who’s taking the silver and bronze?
   
   
3. This suggestion goes without saying so I’ll skip it.
   
   
4. The zoo also likes to taunt animals and put them in cages next to their traditional predators/prey. So, the Fasso (this cool cat-looking type animal from Madagascar) shares living space in close proximity to the lemur (an old world monkey) who normally spends its time being hunted and sometimes eaten by Fassos. Now, at the zoo, they live next door (this has hilarious sitcom possibilities). You know the Fasso is walking around his cage thinking: “I know they’re here somewhere. The place reeks of lemur. Maybe the zoo should think about Fabrezing in here.” Anyway, how about a little steel cage Fasso/Lemur action? Huh? And since the Fasso normally eats the Lemur, the Lemur gets a mini steel chair with which to beat the Fasso and like a golden lion tamarin to be it’s manager/corner man.
   
   
5. The zoo requires a lot of walking and that rhino doesn’t look like he’s doing anything right now . . . hmmmm . . . looks like it seats two . . .
   

I have sent the zoo a copy of this entry so they may implement my changes posthaste.