Marginally Clever

She's a girl!

2012-01-24T21:13:00.000-05:00

(Lincoln was not amused.)My only excuse is I have 2 kids, yo. And school's back in session. *AND* I'm working on a big rah-rah project at work. My apologies to my Canadians. Though you may have seen this via facebook wizardry which I have yet to grasp.Mom, baby, big brother and dad are all well.

Jimmy Stewart is totally German.

2011-12-24T00:30:00.000-05:00

I'm watching The Mortal Storm. Spoiler alert - Nazis are bad. Hitler has just taken the Chancellorship and Stewart is not on board. I love me some Jimmy Stewart, but he plays Aryan with the same "aw shucks" midwestern sensibility that made his career. At any rate, it's an interesting juxtaposition.Snugglebears is still in utero. Although the last couple of nights, it looks like SB is trying to escape from the inside. Don't worry. I will keep you posted. For now, "Well now . . . I don't think I can heil, there, you know?"

2-month hiatus

2011-11-30T13:12:00.003-05:00

Wow. How have you survived without me? I know it must have been difficult. The night-terrors, the shakes, the sense of longing and loneliness. For all this you can blame, Cuddlebunnies 2: No more Mr. Nice Guy and Intro to Discrete Mathematics.

CB2 is still stowed safely away in theMomica's lady business, but preparations for said bunny continue at a frenzied pace. I had to update BR4* to make it a livable room for LL. He *loves* it because it's blue and blue is his favorite color. It is also the only answer he'll give if you ask him what color something is. What color is this orange? BLUE! Silly monkey. Although he has started saying yellow as well. He usually will ammend his answers to the correct ones, but there's a 95% chance everything's blue out of the gate.

And then there's homework. And actually it's been going really well, so I can't complain that the time invested has been wasted. But it has separated me from you and for that, I weep. Not like tears or anything, it's a mapley syrup. I have been eating too many sweets.

Thus, for the 50th consecutive post, I promise I will not post more. CB-to-the-2 is due on 12/30, so shit's about to get real yo. I will drop yet another notch down the power rankings and be forced to change more diapers. Oh the humanity.

not to get all political

2011-10-03T21:46:00.003-05:00

But wow. Don't go putting "onerous demands" on people in Alberta. Yikes.

RS2 is my favorite.

2011-09-16T18:41:00.002-05:00

(Excepting the hour when RS4 is taking my car into the shop.)

I mean, I figured that went without saying.

Oh, want to go down to my football game tomorrow? Lincoln might want cousins there . . . not sure how entertained he'll be by watching me hyperventilate from being like 40 pounds over weight right now. But man, was that a good cookie.

wtf? write your own blog

2011-09-16T17:18:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I know I've been horribly negligent. I can honestly say that I've been spending lots of my free time working on Discrete Math. (Bron - it's still won't make out with me!) Does anyone still come here? I mean, I rarely do.

Anyway, as I've recounted in this space, I wasn't much of a student last time around. I think I defined my own personal "old college try" and Ky earned like 500,000 bonus points for processing that correctly. Ky is like the most likely person to get my obscure rambling jokes. I'm not sure what this means, other than we are disturbing in a similar fashion. I digress . . . well, I disgressed, I plan on stopping now.

I told Janny that "math is hard." Barbie wasn't f#cking kidding. I mean, I know there was a big stink about it, but it's not like she said "Addition is hard" or "Addition of small integers is hard." Who knows what kind of maths Barbie had her hands in? Also, the algebra, it is rusty. As a computer guy working on business systems, I'm constantly using your basic 8x + 4 = 84 kind of stuff, but beyond that, I have to constantly remind myself if a = b and therefore = c??

The last 800 words were one way of saying that I've been doing schoolwork, like a good boy. I am as studious as Alan! (Ok, I think I have mentioned every person who may at some point read this.) It's be depressing if I had the numbers in front of me, but I've probably spent more time on this class than I did in whole semesters of college. This is a gross overstatement, but true enough in spirit. False, but accurate, eh?

So I just bought Cease to Begin off Amazon and am cloud playing it. It is not as awesome as I remember it. My memory had an awesomeness inflation factor of 3. Maybe I am just bitter that I paid 10 bucks for it. Stupid cloud.

Anyway, I still heart you times 2n + 1.

playa!

2011-09-16T17:17:00.003-05:00

i'm glad noone saw me air guitar at work

2011-08-19T14:26:00.003-05:00

You know Ole Mullholland by Frank Black? Teenager of the Year? Yes? Anyway, there's a part after Mullholland says "There it is. Take it." (and presumably before the St. Francis Dam Disaster) where there's a little guitar riff. I actually caught myself air guitaring it . . . to myself. It was strange as I don't know how to guitar, air or otherwise. Oh well.

"The concrete of the aqueduct will last as long as the pyramid of Egypt or the Parthenon of Athens; long after Job Harriman is elected major of Los Angeles!"

Frank Black not only entertains, but he also teaches.

So, get you some Ole Mullholland, St. Francis Dam Disaster and Llano Del Rio off of your amazon mp3 machine and enjoy some history whilst you rock out!

It doesn't cost a dime to be nice, but it's $154.49 for courtesy.

2011-08-15T14:58:00.003-05:00

So, I just got off the phone with AT&T.

I called them with a simple idea. They charge me too much for cable/internet/TV. I know this because if you are a "new" customer you can get their service for like 8 cents a month. Ok, I'm aware that's a loss leader and they make up the money 6/12 months later when your promo prices expire, but the very little you're paying means that the true price is somewhere far below my 154.

This is the game they force us to play. I called and I said, "Hi AT&T person, isn't it silly that all you companies charge 8 cents a month for new customers and then when you have a customer like me, long-time bill payer, good-looking skylarker and whatnot, you hold me over the coals until I switch to BU&U service? How about this time, you give me a lower *fixed* rate and then I won't have to switch and you'll still get my money?"

The first guy I talked to found this irrefutable and put me through to a "specialist." The specialist's job is to argue that AT&T is a really nice company and does a lot of things as a courtesy. If you are curious, in the AT&T vernacular, a courtesy is when you don't charge more for something. "We don't charge you for the DVR box as a courtesy." WTF does that exactly mean? I am passing along 155 of my hard-earned female deer to this company and they claim things are a courtesy. That's like me saying, I use the phone for 10 minutes a month* "as a courtesy." "I know I could use it more and your phone lines would burn down as my dulcet tones whipped across our great land, but I don't want that to happen. Instead, as a courtesy, I don't do that. I never use the phone and as a courtesy to me, you charge me 30 bucks a month." With friends like AT&T . . .

I emphasized my point. AT&T has no great feature preventing me from switching. I don't use the whole world DVR streaming to my brain or whatever it is, so, no plus there. AT&T is actually a detriment to me because I can't splice a line to watch local/basic cable like I can with "cable". Instead, when I have a Super Bowl party I have to snake rabbit ears out to my porch in the driving snow. To me, it's a commodity, like milk. I said, if I can get 12 months of service for half the price, even if it's just for a year why wouldn't I do that? Even if I have to switch every year. She said she didn't understand why people did that. I said, that I had just explained that it was cheaper and while inconvenient, it wasn't splinters-under-fingernails inconvenient. She said we had a different way of looking at things (I can only assume mine is the correct way to look at things).

She continued to tell me that she lived in a rural area where SHE COULDN'T GET UVERSE. (Can you imagine the discourtesies?) And she's had the same provider for years and never called to see if she could get her rates lowered. It was the strangest thing. It was like she was trying to make me feel guilty for not being a dumbass. What with all the talk of "courtesies" and her unending devotion to her rural tv/isp.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Don't pay for tv/phone. Just get an internet (why is blogger underlining internet as a spelling error?) connection and do everything through that. I would. I so would. But the rub is sports. It's like 80% of what I watch. (The other 20% is typically TCM.) Sports means you can't get the "basic" package. It also means you can't really ditch the TV portion. Sure some things stream, but streaming is a fickle mistress which I'm not prepared to rely on.

It was an odd conversation. She didn't seem to understand the premise that I would like to keep more of my money for myself. In the end, I got $20 off per month . . . for 6 months. So now I'm off to look into Time Warner's and WOW's promotional offers. And the dance continues.

* This is literally true. Well, 11 minutes last month. I told her that I spent more time waiting on hold than what I've used the phone all year - an exaggeration, but not by much.

my new jersey

2011-08-02T20:22:00.003-05:00

I need this here to put somewhere else. Know what I mean? Anyway, only like 4% of my good ship reader will get this.

Oh - I forgot to tell you (8 other people I know)

2011-08-01T22:29:00.003-05:00

back to school

2011-07-29T14:41:00.002-05:00

And unlike Rodney, I need to do well. And I'm scared.

I am taking a class at a college, for like a grade and stuff. If you're keeping score at home, I am now 35. For a while now, I've been thinking about going back, because I'm interested and because my work has a generous reimbursement program. (Well, provided I get B or above, which is the scary part.)

I haven't been in a classroom since 1999. It is a "maths" class as the kids call it these days. It's not Teacher Lady math, it's like math for dummies. Intro to Discrete Mathematics.

I will eventually decide if I want to try to get a masters in computer information systems. That's a long way away since I undergrad-ed in MIS, which was computers for dummies (going into businessy things). So I have a bunch of pre-reqs, the first of which is the intro math course.

I have to go now. I just got the book (where were for-real used textbooks when I was in school? 30 bucks instead of 125) nd I need to commit it to memory before the 27th.

Family Hedge Trimming Power Rankings

2011-07-19T10:22:00.003-05:00

As measured by the number of times each member has rendered extension cord inoperable cutting with said hedge trimmers.

theMomica	1
Roger	1
Lincoln	0

Tie breaker was that Monica tripped the breaker and I lost power in the midst of a hilarious facebook comment.

Happy Birthday Roger! World's Best at Everything

2011-07-05T15:29:00.000-05:00

(Or, what you get when you make me buy my own ice cream cake.)

tiny moustache

2011-06-17T14:23:00.002-05:00

I am wearing a tiny moustache (why do I think there is an o in moustache?) on the corner of my lip. You see, my m(o)ustache hair is blonde and that makes it tough to shave. Not that my hair rips the blades of my razor to shreds or anything like that, but instead since it's so pale, I have a hard time seeing if I missed a spot. Once the shaving cream has been moved, I can't really tell where else to shave.

Post-shaving I will often find myself sporting a tiny, tiny mustache on the corner or my upper lip. On the scale of world problems, this has got to be top 10 - I'm guessing somewhere near the Greek financial crisis (can't you people sell more gyros??!).

So, I am busy with baby. That's a good band/movie name right there. Busy with Baby. Feel free to use it when you start you nice alt-rock band. When that happens, be sure to sell you mp3 albums for 3 bucks. This, to me, is the sweet-spot price for new, promising music. If you're "unique ear" approved, then you may charge up to 5 dollars. But anything more than that is usury!

That is all.

a crushing blow (to my foot)

2011-05-26T10:20:00.002-05:00

So I did a dumb thing. I put my foot under my garage door. I thought all garage door openers had the "hey I don't want to crush stuff" safety mechanism. Now, the experience reminded me that I need to install the laser-finder dealie so it doesn't crush something more valuable.

Why did I do this? I don't remember. I needed something in the garage (probably weed killer), but closed it prematurely. Then I started this post in a tab in my browser and then didn't finish it - UNTIL NOW!

Of course, now I'm at a loss for what sweetness I was going to put in this little nested rectangle here. Let's reflect on that for a moment.

In other news, Lincoln said "shoe." Add it to the list of many, many words he's said one time nary to repeat. Listen closely cuz he's only going to say this once.

Canada or bust.

2011-05-13T12:35:00.002-05:00

I will be in Toronto next week for our big hockey tourney. All of my Canadians are western Canadians, eh? Do you have a name for eastern Canadians? (Other than hoser.)

While it should be fun, I will be playing for 2 teams at the tourney. My second team's goalie got injured early in the year and I was called on to replace him.

I love playing goalie. I always have lots of fun and it's challenging and all that, but I am 34.83 years old. If both teams make the next round, I will be playing like 8+ games in 3 days.

Can one of you come and pretend to be me for a few games? You can let in as many goals as you want.

crackity jones

2011-05-04T13:37:00.004-05:00

You know you're almost 35 when you are afraid to check on the baby because all your joints clickity-clack. Although, truth be told, I've always had cracky joints. I'm not sure why. I think I should eat shark marrow or something. Anyway, I was thinking of this when I went to reblanket sleeping Lincoln.

So, I just want to publicly call out BS on 2 billion people watching the Royal Wedding (so many horse faces! Many on horses!). That's like 2/7ths the world's population, yo. If you discount India and China because wtf do they care, that's like 2/5ths+ the world's population (India, being formerly "Britishish" may care, but I'm assuming many have no TV). There's just no way.

Now I know my Canadians were watching (and one was THERE!), but they are Canadian and have to do whatever the queen says so far as I understand. Many moons ago she dictated that all Canadians be super-good hockey players and so it was written and so it has been done. She is wise, that queen.

There is also a rumor going around that Prince WhyTheLongFace I will not be king. (It goes something like William is calling skipsies on Charles.) This is false, yes? He would have to abdicate first, no? I think this was started by the rampant popularity of The King's Speech. That or Ryan Seacrest. He is everywhere!

overheard . . .

2011-04-22T15:51:00.001-05:00

lady1: You should button your shirt.
lady2: Why?
lady1: Because you can see right through it.

Why else would someone tell you this?

Netflix: eat pray love (2010)

2011-04-06T08:05:00.000-05:00

For when you need to muster the rage to murder someone.

Dear Regina

2011-03-25T22:43:00.005-05:00

One of my new faves, Andrew Bird, is coming to your town to make sweet, sweet love to you via musical entropy. I have no idea what I'm saying. At any rate, he is going to something called the Regina Folk Festival. Now, my feed reader for Andrew Bird is a constant disappointment as it never says CLEVELAND. For Lincoln's father's sake couldn't we get a band I like to come here, posthaste (ok, New Pornographers are, but somebody else). Hell - I'd even take the Happy Monster Band appearing in a drunken hallucination. So, I do not trust it and I am suspicious when it says a pass for said folk fest is 89 dollars . . . ? (. . . ? ='s this is a fact that I refuse to believe is true). Maybe with your 90 large you get a haircut from Andrew Bird. I don't know. Sorry I can't help.

I have been bad about writing. I'm not sure why. I still mentally construct posts, but then I don't write them. Oh, I have constructed a more solid back-up strategy, the finishing touches of which I have been applying. And that has required some time at the old terminal here. I am now secure-shelling into my parent's computer and storing things there. They have no idea! I swear, if any of you mad math geniuses try to hack into my parents' computer, I won't be pleased (*cough* Janny *uncough*). Anyway, I think I might add some Amazon s3 storage for most-critical data and call it a strategy. You're welcome.

i thought everyone knew

2011-03-17T14:32:00.000-05:00

Being drunk is the gateway to liking the taste of alcohol. If it's the other way around, that's when you run the risk of having a real problem.

overheard . . .

2011-03-04T00:20:00.001-05:00

As I moshanced all alone to “Where is My Mind?” in a crowded bar:

theMomica: You’re doing it. You’re being “that guy.”
me: Better than being married to him.

The Big 0-1

2011-03-02T23:33:00.004-05:00

Happy Birthday to my baby boy Lincoln. He is 1 today (provided I get this in before midnight).

The first thing you did when you were born was make me cry. So far, off to a bad start. But, it's been a lot of fun since then and here's to 100 more of the same.

Love,
Dad

Blogger's going to be around forever, right?

if faces could talk*

2011-03-02T00:25:00.004-05:00

Silent movies can be difficult to watch. They don't have enough fps; they can be kind of silly and some random 2 people will fall in love within 8 seconds of meeting. Over time, you're expectations morph to accommodate the nuances.

That said I love to watch the actors' !!!!!*F*A*C*E*S*!!!!! They sometimes make these HUGE expressions in the comforting knowledge that even those kids in the cheap seats will be able to discern the emotion. Of course, they are on camera. The effort is lost. But hey, I still appreciate it. But not as much as I appreciate the first director who said, "Hey. You can stop doing that with your face."

* Dick Enberg said this on a football telecast once. It was the end of the game and (I think) the Denver Broncos were about to suffer a crushing defeat (?). They showed a lineman on the sideline sporting frowny face and Dick says, “If faces could talk.” Now, I don’t know about you, but my face can talk – especially the mouth part of my face. The rest of my face says, “HANDSOME!” I think he meant to say something like, “If these faces were micced and were talking right now . . .”? I’m not sure. He might have had early onset of senility. (This was before he was old enough to legitimately be saying that kind of stuff.)

best regards

2011-02-03T23:22:00.002-05:00

I wasn't going to use "your baby doesn't love you anymore" for the 3rd time. (YES! I had used it before. I didn't realize it until afterwards though.)

100,000 bonus points to Janny (aka Teacher Lady) for being the lone commenter around here lately. You see, it is hard to be a blogger and when someone takes the time out to comment on your stupid posts, it's a warm ray of appreciative sunshine on an otherwise cloudy b(l)og. Especially since I know it hasn't been 24K gold around here lately.

So, instead of burying my response way down on the comments to that post, I'll do it here. AHL games in real life are indistinguishable from NHL games on TV. There are equal gobs of awesometude. This being true despite the fact that even the one-level leap from A- to NHL is considerable. But real-life NHL from a reasonable proximity is both hypnotic and mind-blowing. I play hockey; you play hockey; what they are doing is something else entirely. As a goalie, I think they would score on me approximately 90% of the time.

There you have it. I netted 34(!) people to attend my little shindig. We got the group rate AND I got to name our group. The Lincoln Louis V Admiration Society. Now, apparently that name was too long, so I had to condense it to the L V Admiration Society. Stupid character limitations.

your baby doesn't love you anymore

2011-01-27T01:24:00.003-05:00

At least that's what you think when he's all, "MOMMA!" when you go to give him smoochies too in the morning. WTFL? We were like best buds 12 hours ago now you're gettin' all maternal on me??

So, I have just given up an epic battle with my sister-in-law's computer. You are thinking, "Don't quit Roger! You can do it." Can I? No, I cannot. I cannot out tech support the devil. It's just not possible. It has some kind of hardware problem and hardware problems are the enemies of IT nerds everywhere. So much harder to diagnose and lull you into a false sense of security then WHAMMO, here's some 4-bit display modes (uhhh, rub vaseline on your eyes for an approximation).

But, the computer is old and I hoard computer stuff. After I admitted failure, I took an old machine of mine and made it the unholy union of the two of our computers. Hers was a stupid dell with all it's jacked up innards. Oh well, I think I've saved her from buying a new machine. At least for a week or so.

Anyone in Cleveland on 2/4, I'm getting a group together to go to Lake Erie Monsters game. This is hockey for all you Canucks out there. Like, NHL - so close. What's the drive from Regina? 45 minutes? I'm not good at geography or driving.

geeky complaint

2011-01-17T23:22:00.002-05:00

[ed. Not a lot of payoff for a lot of confusion, but what else do you have going on?]

RE: Brothers (Amazon MP3 Exclusive Version) [+digital booklet]

I run 64-bit Ubuntu on my machine and have been unable to get your downloader working. I like to think I have a life outside these 4 walls, so I'd prefer not to spend anymore of my precious time on this mortal coil trying to debug the process. I am sure there is a way, but having spent far too much time on a previous version of Ubuntu, the will fails. Instead, I tried using another product called Pymazon to download my songs, but it appears that Amazon is claiming I have "already downloaded" these songs. I assure you this is hogwash as I am unable to do anything of the kind.

Why am I unable to re-download? This was simple and easy before. Has Amazon turned off that service? I was just espousing that very functionality as a reason for a friend to switch his music purchases to Amazon from iTunes after having been through the ringer with Apple trying to reclaim purchased product that I had lost. It is really not that hard to get songs to me. Why require such a tight-fisted, unfriendly process? I am sorry I do not use windows or 32-bit ubuntu, but this is where I am in my life. I know that songs can be "shared" all-too freely and that is sometimes unfortunate. But, I promise I was just going to burn a cd for my enjoyment in the comfort of my own home. In fact, I had planned to ear-plug my family and scare off any passers-by who might be lingering around my home in the hopes of consuming the Black Keys, Brothers for free.

Ok, that's a little beside the point, but it would be nice if you opened the download api for the creation of third-party products which would work with my current installation. Either that or you can send me a Windows 7 cd which I will take even more of my precious time to install on my native OS as a virtual machine. I know you "kind of" try to support Linux, but it's precious little. And I know I am in the minority here, but I'd like to think I'm worth it. I'm good enough that when I buy an album, I should be able to listen to it.

Thanks,
Roger

[ed. There's 45 seconds you're never getting back. Sucker!]

good news; bad news

2011-01-12T23:43:00.003-05:00

The bad news is I haven't blogged in weeks. The good news is, in that time I haven't severely injured my son. Go ME!

So, we are letting cuddlebunnies "cry it out." For the uninitiated this is when your baby starts crying at night, you lie in bed staring at the monitor and go, "OMG STFU!" but in your whisper (2000) voice as you don't want the baby more awakey.

CIO is the new strategy for this week. The old strategy was to go in there every time he cried, give him a bottle, check for boogeyman, etc. I was ok with this, but then I started to get the feeling he was just messing with me. Like he was perfectly fine, but preferred to be held and rocked and sung They Might Be Giants songs*. I was ok with that too, because before he'd fall asleep rather quickly, I'd put him down and he'd be out for the night. BUT THEN, it was like TMBG and MILK weren't good enough and he'd kind of scream at me the whole time. (I know this could be way clearer, but I'll be damned if I'm going back to edit.) Finally, I'd get him to fall asleep and I'd gingerly put him back in his crib and oh how he'd scream and scream. He'd be PISSED. After repeating the process 2 or 3 times this becomes really stressful. So, for the sake of the family, we're trying to let him cry. Let the tears roll down his face. And if the sun comes out tomorrow - dang, who knows Hootie lyrics? Comment below.

Anyway, CIO was made for me as YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING! All I have to do is sit there and feel the crushing guilt of ignoring my first born son. That's it! Ok, if he cries for 5 minutes, I have to get up, go in, rub his back, give him his blankie, tell him everything's going to be all right, fist bump, leave the room. If he keeps crying, next time I wait for 10 minutes. After that time, if he's still crying 10 to 15 minutes later the book says he might not be ready for CIO.

I'm don't want to jinx it, but it's been going pretty well. Last night he got to phase 3, but it was kind of tainted because he wasn't crying the whole time, more falling asleep for a minute or two, cry for a minute, rinse and repeat. (Which reminds me. Who washes their hair twice in one shower? That's f'ed up.)

It is so easy, but so hard. You do feel guilty. But, best part, next morning HE STILL LOVES YOU! It's fantastic. It's like he can't remember your negligence in the least. Silly, undeveloped baby brain!

<No Jinx>It has absolutely made bedtime easier. I carry him in, he puts his thumb in his mouth, grabs his blanket and starts sleeping pretty much immediately.</No Jinx>

There you have it. That's how you parent. PA-POW!

Be sure to remember to crow loudly after new week's, Dear God, my child is a holy non-sleeping terror.

*Sadly, he's grown tired of Randy Newman. We're on TMBG and some Kinks. Stop your sobbing works - hand to God.

what's this bunch of . . .

2010-12-26T22:57:00.003-05:00

gloomy pussies? Or some such that I recently heard on The Sound of Music.

Oh how I laughed and laughed. I mean, good stuff. And then I spent 10 minutes trying to think of Faye Dunaway's name because I thought the potential baroness looked like her. So I said to theMomica, "Oh, that potential wife/baroness looks like 'NO MORE WIRE HANGERS EVER!' lady." "Joan Crawford?" "Well, yah, but the actress who played her." "Right. I think her name was something like Joan . . . Crawford." With that mental roadblock firmly in place, it took me some solid mental computing time to come up with the right name.

Anyway, the GPs is a great band/fantasy name, so feel free to use it.

Cuddlebunnies wants to know . . .

2010-12-20T20:46:00.002-05:00

three teeth

2010-12-19T23:48:00.003-05:00

Lincoln has 3 teeth now. Two of which he likes to grind together. Apparently, babies don't have the phrase "nails on a chalkboard" as part of their vernacular. Yowsers.

I have been busy. I am trying to rsync files to my parents' computer remotely. This is DEFCON 3 computer dorkery! BEWARE! So, I get kind of obsessed with figuring out how to do it. I have told you before, but back your stuff up. Burn it to a DVD. Go. Now. You will lose it. It's just the way life is. And if you don't lose it, it will only be because you have a nearby backup.

What else is new? Hmmm, back to LL. He crawls now and does calculus, so that's cool. He kissed the baby on a diaper box. OH and I'm the worst father ever.

I thought I could grab his bottle from across the hall without him doing any damage to himself. Long story short, he touched the space heater. OMG. And he had a cold, so his daddy-induced screams of pain were kind of muted by his laryngitis. It made me cry. And then he got tiny little blisters on his tiny little hands and the shame and guilt of a million Catholics descends on me whenever I see his right hand. For serious. The next day I emailed a buddy and asked him to tell me that he too had irreparably harmed one of his children, even if it was a lie. I'm not sure, but I think he still loves me. I hope.

check out this weirdo

2010-12-09T00:34:00.001-05:00

I officially challenge her to a game of mercy.

Foux Du Fafa

2010-12-03T19:58:00.000-05:00

Is it a faux pas that I wore an undershirt you can read through your overshirt? Yes, yes, it is, but only to the French. I think I’m going to be all right here.

the baby snores

2010-11-29T18:10:00.003-05:00

That's my NEW new band name. It reads as a sentence or a phrase and that interpretation is indeed up to the listener.

Anyway, the baby was snoring and I thought how cute it was. That led me to my new band name. I mean, my band isn't going to be tough or skilled. The best I can hope for is cute.

Speaking of the baby, he is snoring right now. A little, car ride induced nap. Odd in that he hates napping. He's in his car seat with his George Mallory-style baby parka on. This is a difficult time to be a father. Do I try to disrobe him/remove him from his carseat or do I let sleeping babies lie and leave him be until he wakes up. Normally, it's one-in-the-same as he'll only nap for 5 minutes, but this nap continues.

These are the pressures of fatherhood my friends. Tread carefully.

audrey hepburn's accent

2010-11-17T19:45:00.002-05:00

Sweet band name, right?

theMomica and I were watching The Children's Hour (winner of 1961's Debbie Downer movie of the year) and Audrey Hepburn was all "WORLD'S CHAMPION BLIND LADY!" and I was all, "WTF is she from?" She had an accent singular to herself. Perhaps British, but not quite.

Turns out, it's no surprise she's an accent mutt. (Please give Jimmy Wales money, fyi.) That's quite the litany of places to grow up in. She should have kept it consistent with sister Kate though.

That's a stupid joke that was supposed to be the closer to the post, but I just remembered theMomica calling out Hepburn on her anorexia. Like totally. She weighs 17 pounds in this movie with 6 pounds of hair. So, is Audorexic Hepburn a better band name? I report; you decide!

I'll gladly pay you Tuesday . . .

2010-11-06T16:05:00.000-05:00

you know what's fun?

2010-11-03T21:05:00.000-05:00

Eating millions of tiny candy bars.

love on the awkward

2010-11-02T21:23:00.001-05:00

Totally cringe-inducing. Like, don't constantly freak out and maybe everything won't be so awkward. Oh and all the Jack probably didn't help.

so what are we?

2010-11-01T22:04:00.003-05:00

Bonus points are on the line people! It seems so simple to me, but some were not able to decipher.

Oh, and you can't really see my whole outfit. I was also carrying a trick-or-treat bucket.

they shoot blogs, don't they?

2010-10-25T23:35:00.004-05:00

Not when you neglect them. Only when they have rabies. And so far, no foaming at the mouth in these parts.

So, I am going to Vegas in a few short hours. Wish me luck. Actually, wish me money. You could say I'd be "lucky" not to get hit by the monorail. So, I want you to wish money for me. Go.

I had planned on trying to stay up late in order to make it easy to sleep on the plane tomorrow. I can plane sleep, but let's not kid, it's not like a California King resting on a cloud in a breezy 68-degree room. It's more like, some dude's elbow is in your side and and maybe has halitosis. He does, not his elbow. I can catch some Zs, but then some yutz is asking me if I'd like a soft drink. Oh, and I'm not accepting anything. We're flying not Southwest so I know all the flight crew moonlight as grifters and pick-pockets. (How does spellcheck not know what a grifter is? Has no one seen Paper Moon? WTF?)

At any rate, I thought I'd check in so you'd know I didn't suddenly become famous. Although, I am going to Vegas. I might end up with a variety show or some such. These things happen, people.

she: Have a good night.

2010-10-15T21:45:00.003-05:00

me: Allll right.

You know when somebody says something (aside, you know when you first-born son took off your "a" key somehow. He got his tiny finger under there and pop goes the article!) and it's not right. I mean, there was no way for her to know I wasn't leaving, just going to the bathroom. And it was late, seemingly I should have been going to bed. Not bed, but home.

Allll right. Now the baby is crying (sick). Ah. This is one of those weeks where the baby is determined that I get 8 hours sleep - total. Maybe I'll just pass out on the couch.

Happy Anniversary Monica!

2010-09-28T22:48:00.004-05:00

I don't call her theMomica around the house.

It probably wasn't your wisest decision, but now you're stuck with me. No takebacks.

I love you baby.

we are all belong

2010-09-28T22:20:00.002-05:00

Yes! Another post. That's like win-win-win-win-win-win. Is that how many readers I have? No time for math right now.

You know what sucks? Rain. It's raining lots meaning my sprinkler system is being pushed back and making me question the very nature of the installation - what with all the rain and all. Good news is I will have a rain sensor. Not on my person, but as part of the sprinkler system. So when it rains, the system will fall silent . . .

Anyway, we're making our little baby a sissy. Well, he cries at night sometimes and off we go, scurrying about like a gaggle of geishas. Now there are many points along the "baby crying at night" spectrum from "I never let a baby cry" to "STFU Baby!" and I suppose we fall somewhere in between. Well, I am a little tougher, but I know theMomica will be running in there any second, so if I'm awake and she's not, I'll try to get to him first.

So, I'm an enabler. And I have to admit I like my rocking chair time with him. Holding a sleeping baby has got to be one of the best things there is. Especially when they get a little weight to them. It's so cozy.

At any rate, he calls. I will see you later.

while the family sleeps . . .

2010-09-25T10:19:00.003-05:00

HELLO! I have missed you all. Everyone comment on this post so we can share good times.

I have been out in the yard a lot. We are doing a full frontal lawn replacement. And let me tell you, it is ugly. I have an army of lawn and leaf bags on my front porch right now, standing sentry over my home. The garbage people will only let me put 25 out for pick-up per week. That sounds like a lot, right? Well, so far I've gone through about 115 bags.

Yes, I roto-tilled all the dead/weed top part and that's what I'm raking. Let me add. There's a lot of it. Anyone looking to start a compost pile? Come on down! Take all you need. Maybe I will put a sled-riding hill in the back . . . hmmm.

So, I promise to post more. This is my postly promise, I know, but I have been busy. But soon, this project will be over and I will never do anything around house again. Amen.

thought . . .

2010-09-15T22:08:00.001-05:00

It must really suck to have the second longest fingernails in the world.

pizza-stuffed human

2010-09-09T17:57:00.001-05:00

Hello my minions!

Well, tonight I was tilling the sheeet out of my yard. Pictures to follow. I think I am going to start a blog series called, "This Stupid House." And it will be all about me trying to do shit of which I am incapable. Right now, I'm fubaring up my front lawn.

You see, the previous owner of this home passed away and while her daughter made some interior improvements in preparation for selling it, the yard kind of went to pot (not the literal, smokable kind). I'd say last summer it was about 50% weed/crabgrass 50% grass mix. It was bad, but maybe salvageable. After the heat of this summer, it went to 90% BS, 10% dead and 100% irritating.

That's where I come in. I have tilled the entire front and now I must rake it. Then I have to pseudo-level it (I say pseduo because I don't know how to do it for real), then topsoil it. Then seed, water, etc.

This is sure to be a huge embarrassing failure.

oh, so if your boyfriend ignores you for weeks, does that mean he doesn't love you?

2010-08-31T00:02:00.004-05:00

So, I have neglected you and for that, apologies. I have been busy with my misshapen-headed kid. Oh, and his neck muscles are stronger on one side than the other. That condition has a fancy name like offsetted neckitis or something, but I can't recall what it is. Don't worry, everything is cool.

Whenever we run into baby issues, I think of cave baby. What would have happened for cave baby in this situation? Were there cave baby physical therapists that could teach you twice-daily stretches for cave baby's neck? Hmm, doubtful. Now, I think his neck thing was more pronounced before and was gradually getting better, but we can help things along.

As to his head, I have a substantial melon, so no sympathy here. I guess not so much lying on his back. Now, cave baby was f'ed here. I mean, those cave floors are HARD. I imagine there were a lot of misshapen-headed cave babies running around. If they could, with their giant balance-compromising noggins.

And he's had some earaches. Earaches are babies natural-born enemies. Babies need to retreat to there fortresses of solitude and try to figure out a way to combat these things.

Oh, and he can't roll right. He's like reverse Zoolander cave baby. He CAN roll right, but prefers left. Parenting is hard, yo. And I am only able to keep track of a few things at a time, therefore, missing a lot. My checklist is like:

1. Laughs at my [baby] jokes? check (Like his moms he does not find my talking jokes funny unless I use some horrible over-the-top accent. And that sentence structure is kind of messed up, only the baby laughs, theMonica is unimpressed by accents.)

2. Does baby stuff. check You know, like eat, sleep, poop. He eats a lot of sweet potatoes, which is potato non grato around me. He hearts them. Not so much peas. Peas I'll eat, but I never got them. Like, peas, what up whichu? Peas - We're bland! But we're tiny green balls, which is cool if you're into that kind of thing. Right? Who's with me?

So, lest you think he's falling apart, here he is trying to hypnotize himself. Look deep into my eyes cave baby.

King Me!

2010-08-13T22:20:00.002-05:00

So, this is my new ad slogan for Budweiser. Short story shorter, theMonica knows someone that works for a Bud distributor. theMonica emailed this lady with my new slogan and her boss said it was "marketing genius."

And, I've already gotten the ball rolling. There are at least a dozen bartenders/waitresses in the Cleveland area that have been annoyed with my ordering a beer by saying "King Me" instead of doing things like a regular, un-annoying, person.

your baby doesn't love you, anymore

2010-08-10T22:52:00.004-05:00

Oh, dang, it's Tuesday isn't it? F. I was sitting around thinking it was Wednesday and how I was going to have exciting Bolts playoff soccer tomorrow night. But, alas, the smell of blood is in the distance and I will have to wait another night for sweet, sweet, victory. And hey, look at that, do some dishes and viola'! it's Wednesday now. I guess, in a way, that makes me psychic, no?

So, everybody loves Dognutz, yes? Well, good. It is true that I got about 50 times the visitors on that website than I get here, toiling away in my blogger sweatshop. Man, those were good times indeed. Who cares if I was a dork (besides Bronwyn?)? Actually, I think a lot of chicks cared, a lot. Who's laughing now Hunchback??

Anyway,the title . . . yes, so the baby, doesn't love me anymore. He doesn't need me. Well, he doesn't now ALWAYS need my sandman powers of sleep persuasion. That is good. I wasn't keen on rocking a 14-year old to sleep in 2024, but it's sad nonetheless. In the plus ledger, he thinks I am f'ing hilarious. For serious. My material KILLS with that kid. It only makes me love him all the more. But, we'll see if it lasts past his 6-month birthday. If he's like a girlfriend/future wife, he won't find me funny after 6 months. That's the general rule for any bf/gf-type situation. Matter of fact, I think RS2 is the only person to find me funny over more than a 6-month period. And she shattered that record at like 30+ years. Things were waining there for awhile, but then RS4 came along and was comedic gold! 100,000 bonus points to the both of them.

thought . . .

2010-08-05T00:39:00.001-05:00

Things get distorted when your world extends no further than the front of your face.

I thought of a totally cooler way to say this, but that was like 2 minutes ago.

the clientele

2010-07-29T08:06:00.002-05:00

Are a perfect "shuffle songs" ipod band. You hear the song and enjoy. But if you decide to click through browse album and listen to the whole thing, you end up kind of wanting to kill yourself.

If you know the Clientele, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If not, have fun with your Hilary Duff albums.

i INVENTED terrible and embarrassing internet postings

2010-07-22T00:03:00.000-05:00

Many months ago, I took exception to Alan’s assertion that I had somehow appropriated Perez Hilton’s photoshop stylings. I’ve never read his blog, but I am aware that he crudely modifies files in MSPaint (or whatever) and posts the pictures. Now, I have no idea how long his blog has been around, but I know I’ve been doing bad photoshopping since the mid-90’s. For instance, allow me to present stikdead:

That ANIMATED gif (OMG you can animate gifs! Holy crap - let's have a dork off!) was drawn by yours truly in, I don't know, 1995/96. Yes, this was right after Al Gore INVENTED THE INTERNET. It was like, he invents it. RING-A-DINGY-DINGY.

me: Hello?
ag: Dude.
me: Yah.
ag: Fuck.
me: What? Tipper probs?
ag: No. I've invented something.
me: Global warming cash cow?
ag: No, but good idea.
me: Inward singing?
ag: No. Unpossible.
me: I don't know man. What?
ag: Double-U, Double-U, Double-U.
me: Uhhhh, losing me.
ag: The internet man. I just invented the fucking internet.
me: Sounds . . . cool. How do I interface with that exactly? Teletype? Messenger pony?
ag: Computer machines.
me: Ok. What can I do on it?
ag: Not much, at first. Go into incredibly slow chat rooms and make friends before they get WAY too creepy, read news and post your own stuff.
me: Wait. I can post my own things onto AlGoreNet?
ag: Dude, that's pretentious. I'm just calling it WWW or "internet."
me: My bad. So what could I put on there?
ag: Well, you can write stuff, you know, plaintext. Funny stories and whatnot. Scores for your intramural flag football team, and even post pictures. Pictures which in hindsight will clearly demonstrate why you never had a chance to get any squirrel in college.
me: Huh? Wait. Back up. What was that last part? Why I won't get any what in college? I'm only a sophomore Al. And there are so many ladies here.
ag: Right. I was talking about your friends.
me: Cool. So with the pictures?
ag: Yah.
me: What about one stick figure blowing off another stick figure's head - japanimation style?
ag: Let me code that [typey-type-type] Ok, you can try it now.

And then I drew stikdead. Best day of my life. True story. (At least the part about getting girls. Which I never understood. I mean, I had great features. LOOK HOW STRONG I AM!)

AND bladder control!

And tall hair!

And bad glasses!

And TARTUFFE!

You could have learned all this and more on the Dognutz Home Page.

Ok, first, let me explain Dognutz. Well, there’s not much to explain. A kid I caddied with took to deriding his fellow caddies with the delightfully mocking “dognutz.” Naturally, I started calling my friends the same. It was only a small leap from there to “what should we call our webpages?”. The obvious answer being NOT google, but instead Dognutz.

Having established a name, we installed a web server on Erk’s Compaq in the dorms and ran a web server off of it. Good work dognutz. Now, we need content. So, what do you put on there in 1995? Hmmm, maybe some Dognewz?

The Monotony of Monotony

Well, things with Dognutz are pretty much going according to schedule. Watch a lot of TV...and watch a lot of TV. As soon as Brian gets his booty over to the computer labs we'll get our heads rotating on the title page. It'll be cool - we swear! [Would have been cool, but never happened. -ed.] We (Brian, Jason, and I) just had this really drawn out argument about the merits of animal testing. Jason, revealing a self-esteem problem, considers himself only as important as a mouse. [Kind of an odd dude.] Anyway, I don't think that anyone (with the exception of Ryan - who went home) has been out of the apartment for more than 20 minutes this weekend, so the place is beginning to smell. [Already smelled - terrible.] Hey, it keeps all the chicks away. [Accurate.]

Update Newz...

In a strange twist, Lee and Stephanie are splitsville. Details are sketchy. [Sluts.]

Could Hooper and Christy's fairy-tale relationship be coming to an end? We'll find out. [It did and when I came home from class he was breaking up with her in our living room. AWKWARD.]

Roger made his debut as a stand-up comedian. For ever-important details go here. [That link doesn't work, but it was totally hilarious, I'm sure.] Also, Roger is obsessing over Salley [Hunchback.] and wondering if he will EVER go on a date with her. [No.] How 'bout it Salley? [Even though we were like 1 of 10 sites on the internet there was no worry that she'd actually read that - or this for that matter. Some things you can always rely on.]

Brian got turned down by a really hot woman, but is determined to press on. [He decided the first girl he was going to talk in his life would be the hottest chick on campus. Usually goes well in bullshit teen movies and nowhere else, this not being the exception.]

Gotta go watch some TV.[Two TVs, no sound, closed captioning on and music playing.]

Don't forget this is before like Huffington Post and all that. So this was some hard-hitting shit. Now, naturally, the entire website was not devoted to my lack of skill with the ladies (though that did consume a significant portion of it.) There was also - The Tommy Boy Homepage!

Movie homepages were a big thing back then. You'd take your favorite movie and you'd post a bunch of soundbites and pictures and whatnot and run with it. I had the Tommy Boy homepage and it actually got "a lot" of visits. Of course, that's relative to this blog, so we're talking like 12 dudes a day. But hey, that's nothing to spit at.

But, all of this is kind of tangential to Alan's comment. The real star of the Dognutz Homepage was the Head Pages. The Head Pages were, quite simply, our heads "photoshopped" on top of other stuff. I have to quote photoshop because they were actually "paint shop pro'ed" on top of other stuff.

Please take a look at this:

And this:

And this:

I suspect this is self-evidently awesome:

And help me out here:

And please, please, please tell me why we didn't have ladies ALL OVER US? It's a total mystery. It must have been all the Axis and Allies my dorky friends played that scared 'em all off.

Thanks for joining me on this trip down memory lane. As you can see, I am a long-time fan and proponent of shoddy computer art. I've been working not hard at it for 15 long years.

blogger can not tell time

2010-07-21T23:07:00.002-05:00

So I spent HOURS on a post that's supposed to post automagically at 12:03 am on July 22nd. Well, that time is now, at least EST. But maybe blogger is not on the same schedule. I would assume it's timezone specific as it seems like my post times are normally correct. Hmmm.

At any rate, it's pretty hilarious and I reveal the true depths of my dorkiness. I would only do that for you. So, come back on the 3rd minute of every hour until the post shows up. Now only will you get the post, but I will also award you 5,000 bonus points.

Happy refreshing.

dialogue

2010-07-21T01:02:00.001-05:00

Girl is going over flashcards as guy approaches.

1: Are you studying?
2: No. I collect stupid questions and write them on these small white cards. Thanks for helping.

while real Maria cavorts in Austria . . .

2010-07-16T21:57:00.003-05:00

Bizarro Maria is unable to keep LeBron in Cleveland.

Sorry Canadians, inside joke. But rest assured, the chick on the right really looks like Maria.

question for the group

2010-07-13T08:57:00.004-05:00

What is it about Europe that embraces pedophilia?

I mean, is it something in the water? If a guy makes some good movies, does he then get carte blanche to terrorize 13-year old girls everywhere? He is old now, yes, because he has been running from the law for most of his life. And geez, he was only supposed to serve 48 more days. He got 90 days for a really heinous crime and wasn't willing to pay this small debt to society.

At any rate, this case continually annoys me. Apparently if you direct Chinatown you can drug up all the teen girls you want.

No one likes us; I don't know why.

2010-07-13T00:41:00.004-05:00

A buddy of mine, over some goff, asked me what music I've been listening to lately. (Overly long parenthetical to follow.) (Overly long parenthetical commences - it's pretty strange to me that he asked me this, but I'm finding as I get older, people get "out" of music. This I find even stranger. But, then, when I think on it, I do have a job during which I can listen to music and a commute during which I do the same, so maybe I'm at an advantage in that regard. Regardless, everyone is still trying to find new music, yes? For some reason, I feel like if I didn't, it'd be like admitting I'm dead, like spiritually or something. So, basically, now I've become someone who's into music and people ask me about it. To which I reply, Amazon MP3 Downloads page.)

I like Randy Newman – a lot. I’m man enough to admit it. Actually, I don’t think it’s even a guilty pleasure or there's any shame in it because he’s really talented. Memo to My Son has become my theme song. It pretty much perfectly encapsulates what it is to be a new father. Or maybe I’m projecting, but I don’t think so. You have that part of you that feels kind of a lot inadequate because you're not mom, but you hang in there and:

I know you don't think much of me
But someday you'll understand
Wait'll you learn how to talk, baby
I'll show you how smart I am

Anyway, L doesn't like when I sing him that one. But he does like Dayton, 1903. Maybe because I went to school there? He is a baby genius, you know.

Anyway again, I know all my Canadians have been wondering about what I think of LeBron going to the Miami Heat. I don't think it was a good idea. Check if out if only to see Paul f/u me! I mean, no one on here has told me fuck you, so I can only assume there's not enough passion for my blog. That saddens me. Swearing is caring.

last night I had a dream and you were in it and Justin Beiber was in my dream

2010-07-05T12:27:00.003-05:00

And he was giving me advice on home improvement projects. He was saying if you're going to remodel, you should plan everything out and buy all your stuff at once. He implied that you'd save money that way, but I think you're really only saving yourself multiple, increasingly annoying, trips to Home Depot.

It's strange that he made it into my dream. I couldn't hum a bar to a single Beiber ballad and right now, I'm too lazy to look up his name to make sure he's a beiber and not a bieber (or something else for that matter). Although, I have spent a lot of time trying to guess what kind of forehead tatt he might be hiding underneath his hair. Swastika seems kind of unlikely. You know how the kids don't pay attention to the history. Mickey Mouse? Is he a Disney kid? See, I don't even know. Maybe he's really like 87-years old and he's hiding his wrinkles. Who knows? No, for serious, who knows? I want his secrets revealed on my blog!

That is all. I promise to post more and this time maybe I'm not lying. But it's likely that I am. So there. Loves!

Netflix: Grey Gardens (1975)

2010-06-21T22:53:00.004-05:00

When I read the synopsis for Grey Gardens, I was pumped. I’m a fan of documentaries and this seemed right up my alley. 2 crazy old ladies (mother and daughter) live in a dilapidated mansion and spend their time tending to multitudes of cats and raccoons. Certainly, they MUST be interesting. Right?

Well, no. They are eccentric. I'll give them that, but they are not interesting and I found the movie barely watchable. As a matter of fact, you can just phone in the eccentric thing. There are actually some rules. Allow me to illuminate:

1. Be interesting.
2. Don’t fucking sing all the time.
3. Speak in turn. They were incessantly talking over each other and squealing at the camera.
4. Lose the creepy painter kid. (Eccentrics always have a creepy painter kid hanging around.)
5. Put some clothes on for god-sakes.

Ok, that list didn't apply so much to all eccentrics, just these two in particular. If you go to the Netflix page and read the reviews (or read professional reviews) they'll shovel a load of BS about "This is a fascinating study of family relationships, of interdependency and the effects of social isolation, even if that isolation is incomplete and voluntary." (Jill in Idaho). Blah blah. Basically, lovers of the film are telling you, "They didn’t used to be old! They were younger – and betterer looking! It's crazy! Look at them now! They are older and nostalgic."

I suspect you could go to your local watering hole and hear more of the same, except more interesting and you'd more likely be drunk. And trust me. After 15 minutes you'll want to be drunk - really, really drunk.

despite the fact I really have to pee

2010-06-08T22:40:00.002-05:00

Well, theMomica has finally acquiesced and admitted the baby looks like me. She still contends that the baby has her "eye shape." I mean, talk about a reach! Is eye shape even a recognized facial feature. Doubtful. What I always tell her is that he looks like me and thank God he's a boy. Because, really, I'd be an ugly boy. I'm tellin' ya straight.

At any rate, baby is good - thanks for asking. Your life kind of revolves around the little guy. Who knew? Well, we all do. Now I think since I'm a little older and a lot of my friends have kids I was ready for the whole "life changing" thing. But honestly, I don't feel any different per se. I mean, there's this tiny man that I love with all my heart, but otherwise I didn't change at all. I didn't have any sweet skills descend on me. Like I can't shoot bees out of my mouth or anything. So, I guess I never had the IT CHANGES EVERYTHING moment.

Anyway, I've been spending most of my non-baby/work time playing sports and reading. I wish he was old enough to take/enjoy. Actually, take that back. If I'm going to tell him I was pro, I can't have him with any legit memories about the incredibly slow pace of play I demonstrated.

i need a cup

2010-05-31T23:12:00.002-05:00

So the baby has taken to heel-striking me in the nuts. I don't know the proper karate (that is: kuh-rah-tay) term for what he's doing. But he's now got some kicking power and apparently he doesn't want any brothers or sisters. And he's out to ensure he doesn't get what he doesn't want.

At any rate, things are well. I should be in bed though. I was reading a Crichton book, uh, Timeline, I think it's called. I mean, the title doesn't really matter so much, does it? It's not really a plot point. I read mostly non-fiction books, so it's nice to have a some light fair. Side note: this live Tim Buckley album amazon is previewing for me is double-plus annoying. Singer/songwriters, I don't know what it is with them, but I either love 'em or hate 'em. I hate much more often than love, but I don't feel like I can pinpoint what it is that makes me hate or love them. I think I'm hating Buckley because he has this lilting vibrato that irritates (I have no clue if lilting vibrato is a thing or makes any sense, but I don't care).

So, getting back to Knighttime or Timeline, it's a good read. I like the interweaving of high-tech futurism contrasted with olden times maidens faire tomfoolery. I would read more, but I fatigue and shall retire to bed.

carp/human fraternal feud reeled in

2010-05-19T20:30:00.001-05:00

it's f#ing punch BUGGY!

2010-05-18T23:17:00.002-05:00

And Stevie Wonder knows it's bullshit that he's calling punch buggy on a touring egg or whatever the f#ck Volksvaggon is making these days. I mean, the novelty of the game is that THERE AREN'T THAT MANY BUGGIES! There are too many just regular Volkswagens. I mean, you don't play punch red car because they are so numerous so as to be tedious. And imagine the bruising. It's supposed to be fun not sadistic.

Anyway, I feel very strongly about this.

i made the baby cry

2010-05-12T22:42:00.002-05:00

It was the saddest thing I've ever seen. He was in one of his baby chair dealies and I said something about something, in a high-pitched baby-friendly voice. And suddenly, his lower lip pulled down and started to quiver and he started to cry. And my heart broke into a million little pieces. It was horrible. I'm prepared for 16 years from now when he'll say he hates me and he wishes he was never born and all that. But when it's a 2-month old and it's spontaneous, genuine fear, it makes you wonder what kind of monster you are.

We bonded later by watching the Cavs get completely annihilated by the Celtics on their home floor. If baby's could f-bomb he would have been dropping them like the Allies over Dresden. Well, at least I was.

At any rate, my head is storing about 8 extra pounds of mucous. My sinuses are totally messed up. I think it's allergen/weather related. The weather has been fluctuating between sunny and 80 and freezing rain, usually on a day-by-day basis. I've had a beauty sinus headache all the live-long day.

More funnies later - promise!

har har

2010-05-03T23:54:00.003-05:00

So I had a roller hockey game tonight. I guess I played pretty well and we won, but it wasn't anything special.

Despite that fact, on the way out a guy from the other team said, "You played great tonight. What'd you have for breakfast?"

"Luckios."

Don't forget

2010-05-01T00:11:00.002-05:00

I post over here as well. At least on the 1st and 4th Saturdays of the month. Check it out tomorrow because I wrote a post that took me 4000 man hours (ok, 3, but that's a lot). It's incredibly crude and pretty dumb but there are photos that I wrote on and it requires no knowledge/appreciation of sports.

Still no? Geez! Just do this one thing for me!

apparently my parents think my knowledge of the Civil War is lacking

2010-04-21T21:28:00.004-05:00

This despite naming our son after the President who led us through the mess. Geez. No, great gift. It's the Shelby Foote series. I enjoyed him in the Ken Burns' documentary. In his forward to the series of books, he said he was originally commissioned to write a SHORT account of the Civil War. Not even the long-lost Wordperfect's great "make it fit" feature could fix that overshoot.

Paul Krugman looks suspiciously like he has 6 fingers on his right hand.

2010-04-19T17:47:00.003-05:00

the father, the son, the holy vacuum

2010-04-12T16:57:00.000-05:00

Say you have this baby and he's screaming his head off something fierce. It's not the casual kind of screaming his head off. It's like he's really getting into it - using his lower body and everything. And let's further say that you've done all the standard things: feed, change, burp, asked him wtf was wrong, etc. But try as you might to not be a failure as a parent, you can't soothe him. Baby is angry; baby will not be silenced!

What do you do? House work! That is the only thing that will soothe the baby. Well, not any housework mind you, if you start watering the plans, he's sure not going to care. That's his prerogative. He can live how he wants to live. But, if you decide to do that special piece of housework he will reward you with silence and a calm look in his eye. You need to fire up the vacuum.

I read this book, "The Happiest Baby on the Block." The basic premise is that infants really should have a 4th trimester/quarter in utero, but if they did, baby's head would be too big to be born. So, the trade-off is that the baby gets born with it's super-huge brain (animal-wise), but mom and dad have to teach the baby how to soothe him or herself.

To achieve this, the book suggests swaddling, swinging, sucking and running the vacuum. Well, shushing. The sssshhhhh/white noise sound is reminiscent of the womb. Apparently, it's very loud in there what with the heartbeat and the kids and their rap music.

Now, since I don't have the magic milk, I have to use any gimic available to me. There are times when he's screaming, I turn on the vacuum and he looks like, "Hey, what's that? Mom? Cool. I'm just going to relax now." It's magic.

After a while, you're running the vacuum a lot and it just makes more sense to buy an mp3 off of Amazon with the same sound. And there you have it. The story of why there is a one-square foot area of my carpet upstairs on which you could perform surgery.

all is well

2010-04-04T23:14:00.007-05:00

Don't worry all y'all; all is well here in our world. I have been harding (= having a hard time?) finding time to write. It's like the time is there, but maybe right in the middle I have to grab the baby and make him listen to a cd of a vacuum cleaner. (This is true and it works. I have a whole separate post about it in the works.)

But theMomica is well as is L. He was super-pissed today though. I'm not sure why. It's fine, but he's a screamer. He's not like, "Hey, I'm a little hungry over here." It's more like,

OHMYGOD I'M DYING OVER HERE!! COULD I GET SOME FREAKIN' MILK IN THIS JOINT?? AAHHHHHHHH!!!! AAAAHHHHHH!

Yes, that's my boy - a tiny, tiny Sam Kinison.

is this thing on?

2010-03-22T23:07:00.002-05:00

~~Hmm, this is "being processed." Hopefully they are adding extra awesomeness. Whatev. I got theMonica one of those handheld zi8 Kodak dealies and I was messing with it.~~

Oh, ok, it's there now. Fun. Have you ever heard a baby cry? Well get ready!

may there be no confusion

2010-03-18T23:32:00.000-05:00

a baby story

2010-03-18T00:00:00.000-05:00

Monday (3/1) theMonica and I went to the doc to have a consultation. The situation was that the week prior the ultrasound machine was estimating the baby at 9.5 lbs. 9.5 lbs + past due date is a red flag in the world of baby doctors. On the plus side, theMonica was 2 cm dilated and her cervix was “ripe,” meaning it was thinned out. (Good band name for you, for free, Ripened Cervix; you’re welcome!). We knew this going in and over the preceding weekend theMonica decided to be induced rather than schedule a c-section. Frankly, it had been a toss-up.

Monday at 9 pm we get to the Birthing Center and proceed to watch about 20 minutes of the Cavs game in the waiting room lobby. Yah, it’s a hospital, so you can’t just go and do something when, you know, you’re supposed to. We checked into our room and got theMonica all situated. Soon after the pitocin was administered and theMonica’s water was broken. Then . . . contractions.

Apparently, contractions aren’t fun. Nope, no fun at all. I felt great. Really excited and pain free! theMonica was not bah-da-da-bah-bah lovin’ it though. On the happy to horribly grimaced face scale, she was about a severely grimaced. The anesthesiologist put in the epidural to alleviate that and it was time to watch some comedy central! Well, you know, after our “nap.” (How exactly you’re expected to nap during this, I’m not sure.) This was about 3 am-ish. By about, 5 am, theMonica got a second loading dose of painkiller, but it wasn’t as effective as the first go-round. The NEXT go-round was even less so. Finally, theMonica asked for some more of the good stuff. I was a little worried that the baby would come out smoking a tiny baby joint or something. Not really, I wanted her to feel better, but the baby was almost ready to bust out and they wanted her to be able to feel when to push. All of this is well and good, but your wife's in pain - lots and lots of pain. And boy is it a powerless feeling watching her go through those labor pains. Surely, I did my best. I was using all my “A” comedic material in there. I told her to picture babies effortlessly flying out of v-jays. Focus on that. But really, I doubt she heard anything that I was saying. I just kept telling her to breathe deep. Stay the course! Go the distance!

FINALLY, (12+ hours later) the baby was “in position”. And theMonica began to push. Now, don’t get me wrong; I was nervous I wouldn’t be able to watch a baby coming out of theMonica’s lady bits. I hadn't eaten in a long time and I was feeling a little light-headed to begin with. But I’ll be damned if it wasn’t the coolest thing ever. After one pushing contraction, I could already see part of the baby’s head. The nurses were telling theMonica how great she was doing. I thought they were just saying that because they were nice, but eventually they told her she might want to lay off so the baby didn’t get there before her doctor did. That's when I started to get excited.

Eventually her doctor strolls in and is all pumped with how great everything is going. theMonica’s looking at me like, “What have we gotten ourselves into?” And I’m all like, “Dude, there’s a baby’s head right there,” and pointing at her nether-regions. And yah, it’s the baby’s head, but like unbeknownst to you like only one-eighth of it. But you’re thinking, “Oh, there’s the head,” and the doctor starts pulling and you go, “OH! THERE’S the head. Dang!” The nurse quickly suctioned and as the doc pulled the baby some more and his lungs cleared I heard the most soothing sound ever in my life - our baby wailing. Then the doctor informed us that *he* has testicles. It’s a boy!

L
3/2/10, 9:53 a.m.
8lbs. 14oz, 20 inches

Baby and theMommy are doing well. Dad is freaking out. No, I’m all right. But, I did outcry the baby and theMonica combined through the first 24 hours. Take that rest of family!

points

2010-03-17T23:16:00.003-05:00

Bonus points are awarded as such:

winner	points	notes
Ky	89,995	Totally, like mostly figured it out. -5 for pedantry. And my Canadians are the smartest so I totally knew you'd get this. And it's the L name!
Janny	10,000	For saying the real name, but also for Lamp.
Bronwyn	5	Because May-B deserves points, after all. When can we expect a little John Macdonald?
Sarah	-5	Patrick? Oh hell no! I am totally not Irish, even though I totally look it.

baby!

2010-03-08T17:03:00.001-05:00

Here are some pictures. 100,000 bonus points to whomever can guess his name. There are a couple of obvious hints in the pictures, but the answer might be slightly less obvious.

Contest not open to those who already know his name.

before I pass out on my laptop

2010-03-03T23:25:00.003-05:00

This isn't the POST post, on this, but yes! we are parents! We had a baby boy. Details to follow. I am having an anonymity concern about putting the name out. Hmm, maybe I'll do it in a photo so you can't text search. Not that all of your aren't my facebook friends, but you know for the strangers that might happen here!

Anyway, cuddlebunny was born 3/2/10 @ 9:53 am, 8 lbs. 14 oz., 20". Mom and baby are doing well. Dad is freaking out! Really, I am well too, but I did outcry him in his first 24 hours. He was crankypants today though and is now winning during his lifetime.

I leave you with this. There is a diaper that has a yellow line on the outside that TURNS BLUE when the baby has peed. Diapers just went TRON on your ass! (This could be a 20-year old invention that I might have missed in my avoidance of diaper changing.)

the induction will be televised

2010-03-01T16:53:00.002-05:00

Well, not, but written about later.

Ok, so, tonight's the night! Well, probably tomorrow's the day, but we're checking in to the hospital tonight to be induced due to potential baby bigness. Admittedly, the whole size estimation is somewhere between witchcraft and voodoo, but the thought is to err on the side of safety/smaller baby. Hmm, that's all I really have to say about that. I'm feeling kind of calm, but sweaty. I get the chills when I'm really anxious. Look for that later!

Also, my pops is going in for surgery on Wednesday. If you have like 18 to 20 hours available today/tomorrow you can pray/meditate for/on all those things: cuddlebunny, theMonica, my pops and me. I will probably need the most help ultimately as this will all tie in with my hit alterna-rock band, Provider Anxiety. Look for my new hit single, Midnight Porkchops, on iTunes soon!

At any rate, wish me luck! And expect some silence here which would equate to the usual silence experienced after I submit a post.

flipping us off

2010-02-23T18:48:00.001-05:00

So . . . the baby is now "head down." Head down, hard at work, probably working on hirs first hit play. s/he will succeed where the father has failed. It's the circle of life, yo.

As of Sunday night, we would be in the hospital right now, freaking out about being responsible for another human being. But theMonica's doctor got all up-in there and felt what might have been cuddlebunny's skull. That being the case she ordered another ultra-sound for yesterday morning where we were immediately informed that the baby was where it was supposed to be after taking its good ol' time to get where it was going. (I do not mean to call our baby "it," but there needs to be a gender-ambiguous pronoun in English other than it. Canadians, get on that.) Baby did this on the sly. It is ninja baby. So instead of freaking out about our new bundle of responsibility, baby is still safely ensconced in theMonica's womb. Pheww. Bullet dodged.

For now. The original due date was 2/26, so that only buys me 3 more days. It looks like the perfect time for a 3-day bender.

why all the hate?

2010-02-18T00:12:00.003-05:00

List time!

Why is my blogger typin'-it-in-font NOW GIANTSIZED?!

I went to church tonight. It was lame. They didn't play any of their hits.

I got yelled at for trying to go downstairs at a bar (where I thought the bathroom was). "EXCUSE ME SIR! EXCUSE ME!!!! RAAAWWWWRRRRR!!!

flu = hangover - fun

My flu equation is close, but, the missing element is I still had the, "I am too old to do this to myself." This was right when I was puking. But it wasn't my fault! I felt like a kid in a divorce.

Speaking of divorce, I made theMonica laugh so hard today that she couldn't breathe, started crying, couldn't stop crying and then started crying regular, mystery tears. I blame the baby.

Speaking of, that baby is like 6 days away, yo. So the question becomes, will this blog become one of those daddy blogs. Why the fuck not? Wait, that's bad, isn't it? Kids have to learn that swearing is awesome on their own. Don't ruin the secret for them. It's like santa.

Someone put a post-it on a vending machine concerning stocking the machine with "real" pretzels. Apparently, the "sourdough nibblers" are just a figment of my overactive, pretzel-based imagination. And really, in a blind/shape neutral taste test, he's going to be able to tell the difference? Anyway, this is the kind of stuff I love. I secretly photo-copied that post-it.

After the bartender yelled at me (bitch!), I got paged from work. I went outside (sans coat - bad idea) to call the guy that paged me. I was out in front of the bar talking to the guy. After a few minutes, some lady opens her window and yells something about trying to sleep (as if it's my fault that she lives next to a bar that people get paged in). I was a little buzzed, so I giggled a little, apologized and said I'd walk down the street. "Well, I don't see you moving." ZING!

like the red phone, but only more secure

2010-02-09T00:40:00.004-05:00

Soooooo, I finally got a cellphone. Kind of. As promised, I've half-armed it (too lazy to half-ass it). I did a bunch of research and determined that Verizon had the "best" deal. None of them really have the best deal due to balances expiring, phone numbers disappearing, etc. But if you put 1 honey in your Verizon account, the phone is good for a year.

Anyway, I hate the thing already as it was surreptitiously trying to take photos inside my pants. I kid you not. I sat down in my chair and I hear the synthetic picture noise. I had had the thing for about 12 hours and it was already trying to exploit/blackmail me. Scandalous!

Besides that, the whole thing is a racket. You have to choose a "plan." I think these plans are designed for those who might have trouble getting a phone otherwise. They're structured to chew through your balance, rather than provide a service to someone whose wife is pregnant and doesn't really plan on using it too much. (What about me??!) Eventually, I picked a plan which costs a dollar per day (when the phone is used). After that buck it's like 10 cents a minute and 20 cents a text. Pictures from inside my pockets . . . priceless. BUT it has unlimited mobile-to-mobile with other Verizon phones. If you have a verizon phone, call me and we can chat!

But, there's a hitch. I activated the phone last night and guess what happened? 3 telemarketer calls in the first 24 hours. Only theMonica has the number - literally. I was amazed. Verizon has to be revealing this info, yes? I called Verizon to complain and they claimed to have no idea how it could happen. The rep suggested I only allow incoming calls from my "contacts." My contacts? Is she talking about my wallet phone list*?? How do I interface that with a cellular phone? No, the contacts are IN the phone. And if someone calls that isn't in the phone, I will not receive the call. (I wouldn't even be able to receive calls from Verizon! GASP!)

Eventually, I added theMonica as my only contact and restricted incoming calls to her. Should there be an international incident, I hope the Russians are able to reach me.

* The wallet phone list is exactly what it sounds like: a piece of paper expertly crafted on Microsoft Word to contain names and numbers of friends and loved ones. My joke has always been that it was my cellphone. See, now I don't have that joke anymore. There's 4 years of writing down the drain.

my protruding brow gets in the way of doing my makeup

2010-02-08T18:30:00.001-05:00

It’s true, but it does keep the sun out of my eyes occasionally.

big sale at amazon

2010-02-01T20:47:00.002-05:00

HAR-HAR!

i am tired, but i love you more

2010-01-26T23:53:00.002-05:00

Yes, it's true. I need to go to bed so I can get up in the morning and workout . . . whaaaah?? Yah, that is not a fun reason to get up. Not like getting up to drink - I'm talking like a tailgate situation and not an alcoholic-type situation.

At any rate, I was thinking about life and stuff. For me, getting married wasn't a big deal really. You find the right girl and it's pretty snappy. Buying a house was tougher. Not tougher as in difficult (but there was WAY more paperwork) but tougher in that emotionally I felt the squeeze of provider anxiety (also the name of my new alt-rock band). All I could think was, "Gotta make that money! We gots a mortgage!"

Now, the baby is en route, perhaps sideways, swerving wildly within theMonica's uterus, but coming nonetheless. And I feel a new change coming over me. One that I actually find disturbing. I have to get a cellphone. I know. It's frightening. It troubles me. And despite the fact that I suspect I won't be unavailable at baby time, I also feel like I need to step up. So, for the first time in my life I am going to buy a cellphone. I'm going to be one of those cellphone people. It's sad I know. I console myself with the knowledge that I'm going to buy one of those bullshit pay-as-you-go phones and keep it in the car after baby is here.

i'll get to 1000 if it kills the both of us

2010-01-18T23:20:00.003-05:00

What's up?

So I have 885 posts or something. Who has read them all? Raise your hand. I have not. Half this shit is written by robot-monkeys and when they get to typing - look out. There's no stopping them. But, yah, I want 1 large posts. And then maybe I'll retire. Ok, probably not, but it seems like a good number. Go out on top and whatnot. Stay tuned.

So, apparently cuddlebunnies is a beach baby! I hope you've got sunscreen in there kiddie! Because if you have even 10% of the translucent skin I walk around with, you'll be getting the sunburn. Seriously, I am powder. Then I figured out it was BREECH baby. Oh, breech, got it. Yes, CB is all facing the wrong way, instead of downwards. I believe because baby is a procrastinator like his/her father. I mean, why rush? theMonica's cervix isn't going anywhere. Once more, out of the breech, baby!

As you might guess, this kind of freaked me out a little. I mean, you want everything to be ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. But, the truth is, just get 'em out safe and bouncy and I'll be happy. Loves!

Tangentially, I was thinking: do you think in 2000 years, long after we are gone and our society forgotten by the super-simians which are sure to supersede us, will they watch our TV shows, thinking they are an historical account of things which actually happened? And if they do, will Jack Bauer be new Jesus? And our ape overlords will live in fear of the Great Bauer's return? You may laugh, but sometimes that's how it goes down.

Ponder that and my eternal damnation until my next post.

delurk!

2010-01-14T18:51:00.002-05:00

According to Sarah, it's delurking time. What's delurking? Well, it's when you stop lurking, creepy stalker. Right, like because you secretly read my blog and won't tell friends and family, now is the time to reveal that fact to me. Why? Well, because I take it as a point of pride that I know every person who reads my blog. Yes, I can hold all 7 of you in mind, at all times.

At any rate, if you look at Sarah, she is famous and you have to wade through 30 people before you get to my hilarious comment. Such is life.

shutout bitches!

2010-01-13T01:40:00.003-05:00

From the, what do you care?, file - I got a shutout tonight. Booyah! It wasn't that impressive really. There were only 15 shots, but 15 shots I stopped, which is totally sweet. This is the first one I've had with this team and only the second in my almost 3 years of ice hockey. I think I've had one in roller hockey. This, I know, isn't impressive, but, for serious, there's not a lot of defense. So when there is some defense, it makes it pretty easy on me. That's not to say that I was completely worthless. I probably made 3 non-easy saves. Saves that if they had scored I wouldn't have been too upset. But the other 12 were pretty routine.

Otherwise, it was an eventful game. There was some shoving, which is fun. But then there was also a 2-handed, baseball swing slash on one of our dudes. I didn't see it, but apparently the lady on the other team (they have a lady), took a hack at one of our guys. She only got 2 minutes for slashing despite the attempt to maim. But, really, what could we do? You can't really retaliate against a woman, right? I mean, I'm the goalie, so I'm usually like way too far away to care about this stuff, but it's kind of BS that she took a hack knowing that our guy wasn't going to do anything about it. It's the same reason women are allowed to beat their husbands. This isn't a cry for help or anything. TheMonica has never laid a finger on me in anger, but traditionally there is a separate set of punishment depending on the aggressor's gender. Not sure why I'm going on about this - probably because she could have done some serious damage.

At any rate, ultrasound tomorrow! (Ok, in 7 hours). So pictures to follow, I would think. Give a shout out to our baby boy (or girl that looks like me, Rogetta, according to theMonica. Well, she thinks it's a boy because she thinks the last ultrasound looked like me). Hugs!

f' off 2009!

2010-01-03T23:08:00.002-05:00

What? We'll never see THAT year again.

At any rate, things around here have centered mostly around the rate at which Baby makes theMonica's copy of New Moon shift around while she's reading. Baby can sniff off childish hobbies already! I mean, isn't it all very kiddie pronish? Not for the teenies and pre-teenies, but for the older ladies? Yes? No? Indifferent?

In other news, I'm on some sort of epic mission to get drunk every night between now and February 26th (D-day/due date). Ok, not really because I should probably be sober at the hospital if Baby is early, right? So, what kind of annoying nickname can I have for the baby? Baby is only slightly annoying and it keeps reminding me of Dirty Dancing (RIP!), which is far more annoying than the nickname. And my intention is to annoy you and not me. So I will try to think of something else. Cuddlebunnies. Yes, that's it!

Here our my 2009 goals in order of decreasing likelihood:

* Post once a month.
* Post once a week.
* Post once a day.
(covering all the bases here)
* Fly.

So, as you see, posting every day is probably not going to happen. Ok, I will try. Not every day, but more. Promises!!

before there were blogs, I'd write letters to my friends about their band

2009-12-23T21:16:00.002-05:00

Staff Infection
Cleveland, OH

Dear Staff Infection,

I have purchased your new album Simplify and Amplify (or Si/Am – plify as I like to call it). I’ve listened to and enjoyed your album a number of times. And I congratulate you on your work. I also have a few observations:

1.Overuse of the word cool.
The word “cool” is used no fewer than 10 times. A quick look at my thesaurus reveals the following synonyms: marvelous, dandy, divine, glorious, groovy, hunky-dory, keen, nifty, sensational, swell. Take for instance, this substitution: “who were there but his dandy friends” for “who were there but his cool friends.” I think nifty really puts that lyric over the top.

2.Manifold Influences.
Your bass solos remind me eerily of Violent Femmes, while your hard-drivin’ guitar-style stylings remind me of Husker Dü. YET, no songs remind me of the Pixies OR Bad Religion. Some drum parts remind me of MXPX – much to my chagrin. A lot of the singing reminds me of the obscure West Side band, Florie Dories and the famous child soloist Little Cousin Jimmy.

3.Sundry.
There was no song about the Ed S./8-Trax break-up. I found this quite disappointing. Those of us familiar with the unreleased works of 8-Trax/Wooden Bumper/Carnivorous Vegetarians were looking forward to at least a cover of “Breakin’ Up Is Hard To Do” or a rendition of “Say It Ain’t So Nicole.” There is neither a song about monkeys nor a song about NHL ’94 (some possible titles includes: “YAH – B- C GOAL!” “Gotta Take Control” and “Sega Thumb.”) There is no ode to David W. and TP is surprisingly missing from the album’s contents.

All in all, it was a stunning first effort and you’ll do well to continue with this fine work.

Sincerely,

A Fan

miscellany

2009-12-23T21:14:00.000-05:00

She was so mean, I ventured she suffered from all three menstrual maladies: PMS, DMS and AMS – pre, during and after.

test

2009-12-21T21:45:00.002-05:00

This is a test of blogging via email. Who does that? Cool people like me. Cool people like me who know how to use email. Cool people like me who know how to use email and type. Well, you don't have to know how to type, just how to keep it real. Real simple. And not boring - like this test post.

But I leave you with this: Garlic makes everything better, except halitosis.

drunk on Monday

2009-12-14T22:22:00.002-05:00

Can only lead to great things all week, yes? Or a horrible Tuesday morning, you say. Well, if there is one thing I have learned it's that you are wise, wise indeed. But, I will drink some extra aqua before beddy-by time and make myself all nice and hydrated.

I hadn't planned on getting overly unsober, but we were at theMonica's work holiday party. Now, normally this is not means to a drinking end, but there were tickets. Six tickets designating the # of drinks I was allowed to purchase (theMonica was drinking water, which required 0 tickets. Score.). That being the case, it would have been unwise, nay, unpatriotic, nay-nay, INHUMAN, to not drink my alloted allocation. After all, the tickets represented a drink that was pre-purchased. How ungrateful of me it would have been not to partake in all of them.

So, I hiked up the skirt and got to work. 6 drinks plus the freebie I received from a co-workers of theMonica consumed. High fives all around. High fives until I am involved in all those meetings tomorrow with a pounding head and bloodshot eyes. Nevertheless, the tickets have been conquered.

overheard

2009-12-10T00:12:00.002-05:00

Keds make Converse All-Stars look like . . . . . (holding . . . holding . . .)

I don’t know; it’s too early to think of a good analogy.

But it's never too late for a simile!

I did post this before. Had I scrolled down like 3 posts, I would have noticed that, but I was so stunned by my handsome pose there, that I just kind of stared at myself, slack-jawed. I'm not going to lie to you; I get a lot of shit for drinking Bud out of cans. I'm a grown man! I'm 33 years old! I can handle Bud out of a can! I had to yell this a lot in New England. When we were there I could NOT get a regular Budweiser. They would always come back with Bud Light. Now, I was enunciating clearly and I didn't have that irritating NE accent, so you'd think they'd be on-board, but I was apparently incomprehensible. I mean, it's not like I ordered the atomic, Andromeda strain wings or something and they thought better to give them to me. It's just Budweiser. Just a little more flavorful than the Lights, domestic.

At any rate, you'll notice that the new version of this post is slightly more hilarious. Even this second time around I have no idea what this dud was going for. Keds/Converse all-stars. That's an historic battle of shoe industry giants. Ok. I'm off to re-write all my posts.

sophisticated men prefer

2009-12-06T19:41:00.001-05:00

Budweiser in cans.

It's like a microbrew!

the gorging continues then fades

2009-11-30T18:43:00.003-05:00

Well, my peoples, Thanksgiving is over. Do Canadians know why I was away? I assume yes. I remember when I was in Toronto being fascinated with the coverage of US news. It was like being in the US! And then I met some Canadian chicks and gave one my email (SHE asked!) and she never emailed me. I can only assume because she hated/s Americans. Right? I mean, why wouldn't you email me? Deep-seated resentment - yes. Oh, but after that night, the next day I was like top 25 hangovered. Ugh. And we were driving across town to see a buddy's cousin at work. The driver of the car was a big stop-go guy. Like if he could move the car 8 feet he'd slam on the gas and then the brake. When we go to the coffee shop-type place I ordered eggs and dry toast. They thought dry toast was some weird American thing, but really I was just trying to prevent projectile vomiting in their nice establishment. (Side note: "projectile" is the Q to the U of vomiting, not only recommended, but necessary.)

Speaking of being drunk, I was trying on Thanksgiving. But the thing is (and as hoboes everywhere have taught us) continually shoving food in your turkey hole makes it difficult to get your buzz on. Forget turkey - stuffing, desserts, candies, green beans - whatever - all of them are buzz killers, but oh-so delicious. Lesson learned.

On a serious not, give my dad a shout out to JC/your preferred deity/send some good vibrations. He has been struggling health-wise and has sarcoma (a cancerous tumor of connective tissue). The prognosis is mixed; most importantly, it has not spread. Unfortunately, they're concerned about the blood flow to his leg/the possibility of him losing it. So, just putting it out there. I try not to worry about things that have not happened, but it's tough when it's your pops.

correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, won't they lock me up and throw away the key?

2009-11-24T00:49:00.003-05:00

So, you'd like to buy some coyote urine? Well, I don't know where to get it . . . from your neighbor? That's where I got it. I'm not sure why he had it, but he said it was a real pain to collect it - ZING! No, he had it to scare off critters at his cabin. Unfortunately, I have no better idea where to get coyote urine than I did before I had coyote urine.

At any rate, the trap is set. Do groundhogs enjoy celery with peanut butter? Apparently, not a ton because that's been out there for a couple of days. Also, I've found a guy who will "take care of my problem" should I trap the groundhog. This could be a mafia thing and frankly, at this point, I'm on-board. I don't have a problem with aligning myself with La Cosa Nostra on this one.

In other news, Thanksgiving at our house this year. Come check out our family room - it's goldenrod now. There is no way that was the name of the paint as it has to have been taken by an adult film star/James Bond character. Also, there is a bunch of stuff hanging where the walls had been barren. Best news yet, I haven't killed myself attempting any of these home projects. +1 for me. However, next up, moving a chandelier higher. Yes, IT'S ELECTRIC - BOOGIE WOOGIE WOOGIE WOOGIE.

confession

2009-11-20T18:08:00.001-05:00

Good morning, my name is Roger and I’m a Twilight widower.

I know what you’re thinking. WTF is Twilight. Well, it’s Harry Potter for slightly older kids and apparently my wife and her friends. Twilight is a series of books that is becoming a series of movies and the 2nd of the Twilight series opened last night at midnight. That’s fine. But while I was alone, in my cold, cold bed, theMonica was at Crocker Park watching a bunch of teenage vampires traipse about fantasyland. Yes, it’s another teen vampire movie. I thought Lost Boys/Buffy pretty much shut the door on that sub-genre, but I was wrong. What’s it all about? Why so popular? I’m not sure. So far as I can tell it’s about a clown – a sad clown – a sad clown that won’t put out for his girlfriend. Maybe he’s shy, maybe he has the heiny, maybe he’s repressing something. I can’t really judge because I’ve only seen about 8 minutes of the first movie, but that doesn’t prevent me from judging. He also apparently goes out as a clown because clown make-up allows twilight vampires to withstand daylight. What?? Yah. And they put garlic on their pizza and wear crucifixes. They destroyed all the classic vampire tropes! I don’t even think they can turn into bats and fly or even count really well. Way to ignore hundreds of years of monster history twilight creator!

I’m trying to think of any movie I’ve seen on opening night and . . . . none. I think I saw Rushmore pretty early in its short, short run – me and about 8 other people. My buddy and I were the only ones laughing. But I didn’t have to stand in line to get in. And I didn’t dress like a vampire. But really, it’s not a big deal . . . at least until Teen Beat starts arriving in the mail. Then I might have to put my foot down. I only hope theMonica wore a bellyfold so our unsuspecting baby wasn’t subjected to all that chest-heaving, teenage angst-y vampiring.

high school chicks . . . still laughing after all these years

2009-11-17T18:12:00.002-05:00

I was driving home from work today and let out a ferocious yawn, uncovered. (This despite Modest Mouse's warning that "You're not invisible inside your car.") At that second, a car of high school girls drove by. The one in back looked, laughed and pointed. I don't know what was so hilarious. I did not shoot stinging bees out of my mouth or anything. I mean, listen deary, when you get to my age it's all I can do to prevent falling asleep on the way home.

At any rate, it's not anything I'm not used to. In fact it's like my trademark. Roger: Laughed at by High School Chicks Since 1990. (TM).

In other news, the groundhog lives. Soph - send me some sulphur. More on that later. I know I've left a lot of coyote urine questions, how should I say, lingering.

where there's coyote urine . . .

2009-11-14T10:57:00.003-05:00

There must certainly be a coyote Mr. Groundhog. Yes. Yes indeed. And he just finished an all-week bender and really needs to relieve himself all over the foundation of my home.

This, my friends, is our next strategy. Coyotes apparently can get all bitey with groundhogs. This being the case, we hope that the smell of coyote urine will scare away our groundhog and prevent him from lowering our foundation with his intricate tunneling. I am not a groundhog, but this seems like compelling logic. Coyote urine = coyote. It's simple!

In a related note, coyotes need to drink more water.

some girls' mothers are bigger than other girls' mothers

2009-11-09T17:05:00.003-05:00

So, the groundhog saga continues. We put a trap out which the next day, theMonica told me contained the DEAD groundhog. I went home to discover a LIVE POSSUM. This was unexpected. I let him go back behind our fence (which is some kind of sewer run-off area). If you've never seen a possum run, I recommend the trapping/letting it go free.

Why would the groundhog have been dead? Well, we put some rat poison in the trap. The possum wisely opted for the apple slice and leafy green vegetables rather than the poison. Possums are crafty like that, I suppose. Now I'm kind of at a loss. I suppose we will try to trap it again and then (as my friend's dad euphemistically puts it) "teach it how to swim." (Honestly, I don't know if I can pull that off).

Ceasing groundhog talk . . . here is my view of undershirts:

I wear them, frequently. You see, I was once afflicted with sweating man's disease. The name is an accurate description of the symptoms. This being the case, I would often wear a super-powerful brand of antiperspirant call Mitchum. Mitchum is essentiall superglue and plaster of paris. This being the case, if you did NOT wear an undershirt, you would soon find most of your "outer" shirts stained and effectively ruined. So now, rightly or wrongly, I continue to wear undershirts with all most all my other shirts - excepting t-shirts (might wear something with t-shirts depending on the temp). Undershirts are fascinating!